Monday, October 31, 2005

Bush Chooses Alito
President Bush says he spent many hours considering Judge Alito's qualifications before deciding to nominate him to the Supreme Court. It took his aides most of that time to convince him Alito wasn't that judge from the O.J. Simpson case.

Bush Chooses Alito II
Conservatives are applauding President Bush's choice of Samuel Alito for the Supreme Court. Republicans are delighted that in selecting Alito, the President has chosen not only a solid right-winger, but also the only man in government who hasn't slept with Judith Miller.

Alito Abortion
New Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito is likely to draw liberal ire for his 1991 decision requiring women to notify their husbands before getting an abortion. Of course, most husbands would just be happy if their wives would notify them before getting pregnant.

Top 5 Confirmation Problems for Judge Alito

5) Keeps calling Senator Harry Reid "Tara"

4) He was that drunk guy who grabbed the football from Brett Favre last Sunday

3) The last time he appeared before the Judiciary Committee, he stole Ted Kennedy's flask

2) Let's just say he's not so conservative when it comes to underwear

1) For the next six weeks, he has to spend at least three hours a day with Bill Frist

Bush Bird Flu Plan
President Bush is set to unveil his plan to combat the possible spread of bird flu in the United States. The core of his strategy revolves around offering tax breaks to wealthy birds that promise not to get sick.

Parks Honored
The late Rosa Parks is being honored at the Capitol for her lifetime contribution to the civil rights movement. Thanks to people like her, the only thing blacks have to do to get ahead in America today is take a job in the Bush administration.

Case Closed
AOL founder Steve Case has resigned from the Time Warner board of directors, so he can focus on his new healthcare company. The move is leaving industry experts puzzled as to how Case can possibly screw up healthcare in America anymore than it already is.

Boozin' at The Game
Yale University is strictly restricting drinking at this year's Harvard-Yale game. The school is finally trying to do something to stop student alcoholics before one of them becomes President.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Devil's Night
The night before Halloween is always chaotic in Detroit. Every year, hundreds of residents set fire to buildings, cars, and Lions season tickets.

Top 5 Scooter Libby Excuses

5) He was led astray by Judith Miller's hypnotic beauty

4) Pretty sure that the name "Scooter" will make him very popular in prison

3) He was led astray by Robert Novak's hypnotic beauty

2) Let's just say that leak was worth about 10 million Halliburton stock options

1) Who needs an excuse? He's going to get pardoned anyway!

White House Shakeup?
In light of the Scooter Libby indictment, the Senate Democratic leader is calling for a staff shakeup at the White House. The Bush Administration is taking the recommendation from Harry Reid about as seriously as if it were made by Tara Reid.

Giants Win for Mara
In an emotional game following the death of team owner Wellington Mara, the New York Giants shut out the Washington Redskins, 36-0 yesterday. 10 other NFL team owners now plan to fake their own deaths in time for the playoffs.

Fan on the Field
Late in yesterday's Packers-Bengals game in Cincinnati, a fan dashed onto the field and stripped the ball from Green Bay QB Brett Favre. After the incident the fan was arrested, but he was also signed to a 2-year contract by the Minnesota Vikings.

Air Force Falls
Air Forced was routed by BYU, 62-41, in college football action Saturday. Giving his take on BYU's awesome offensive performance, Air Force coach Fisher DeBerry explained that "they just did a great job on 3rd down conversions, but like I always say, those Mormon boys are the best at conversions."

"Prime" Plot
Uma Thurman stars in a new movie about a Manhattan woman facing a romantic dilemma when she learns she's dating her psychiatrist's son. Of course, most New Yorkers who learn they're dating their shrink's relatives would simply ask for a discount.

Bad Billboards
Paramount Pictures is removing some billboards promoting the upcoming 50 Cent film "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" after community activists complained they promoted gun violence. Apparently, the movie is so bad, most African-Americans audience members are shooting themselves in the theater.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Libby Indicted
Lewis "Scooter" Libby has been indicted on two counts of making false statements, one count of obstruction of justice, and one count of still using a kid's nickname past his 40th birthday.

Libby Steps Down
In light of his indictment in the CIA leak case, Lewis "Scooter" Libby has resigned as Vice President Cheney's Chief of Staff. That frees him up to become the next Supreme Court nominee and eventually find himself not guilty.

Fitzgerald on Cheney
Special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald has made it clear that Vice President Cheney is not being investigated. Fitzgerald said the reasons for that were lack of evidence, legal questions, and the fact that he wants to live for longer than six more months.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Top 5 Real Reasons Harriet Miers Dropped Out

5) Wants to be available to defend most of her White House colleagues when they get indicted

4) Needs to find a way to pay for that $50,000 bet she made on the Astros

3) Didn't think she could survive a catfight with Ann Coulter

2) Clarence Thomas kept inviting her over to watch "home movies"

1) If she wanted a job she was totally unqualified for, she'd be the director of FEMA!

Miers' Memos
It appears that Harriet Miers withdrew her nomination because she didn't want to hand over confidential memos she wrote to the President Bush over the years. She especially didn't want the Senate to find out that all the memos had to be written in crayon and illustrated with pictures so the President could understand them.

Rove Perjury?
Sources say Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald may charge Karl Rove with perjury in the CIA leak investigation. But Rove's lawyers argue that it's unfair to charge him with lying to the Grand Jury when telling lies is what he has to do all day at work!

Sheehan Protest
During a protest outside the White House yesterday, Cindy Sheehan dropped down to the ground and pretended to be dead. The demonstration prompted President Bush to say, "hey that's what I do whenever a hurricane's about to hit New Orleans!"

Jeb's Mistake
Florida Governor Jeb Bush blamed himself and the state this week for huge delays at centers distributing supplies to victims of Hurricane Wilma. Bush admitted that he moved so slowly because when he saw all those angry people lining up in Florida, he just assumed they were trying to vote.

Reynolds Collared
Police in New York have arrested Al Reynolds, Star Jones' husband, for driving with a suspended license. Unfortunately for Reynolds, his marriage license is still valid.

Angelina's Wish
Angelina Jolie says she wants to adopt more children. In response to that news, the entire 7th grade class at St. Anthony's school for Boys has put itself up for adoption.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Coach Under Fire
Air Force Academy football coach Fisher DeBerry is under fire for saying that "African-American Kids Run Faster." But he later restated that sentiment the more politically correct way by simply saying that "white kids are damn slow."

Top 5 Changes CBS Sports Chief Sean McManus Will Make to CBS News

5) From now on, all "Eye on Your Health" reports will be about injuries to New York Jet quarterbacks

4) No more questions about why President Bush won't commiserate with Cindy Sheehan, but more questions about why he won't commiserate with Redskins fans

3) Make Andy Rooney wear a cup

2) Replace all female anchors with those hot chicks from the Budweiser commercials

1) Make a graphic showing a huge bracket of 64 possible Supreme Court nominees and call it "October Madness!"

Bush-Death Toll
As the US death toll in Iraq reached 2,000 this week, President Bush said, "the best way to honor the sacrifice of our fallen troops is to complete the mission."... but it's still not clear how many American soldiers President Bush is on a mission to kill.

Symbolic Death
To protest the war in Iraq, Cindy Sheehan said she plans to "die symbolically" by tying herself to the White House fence. Of course it won't actually be so symbolic, because that fence is electrified.

Bush Polls
A new poll shows that 66% of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job of handling the war in Iraq.... the other 34% of Americans realize that President Bush was never handling the war in the first place.

Stern Replacement
Infinity Radio announced this week that David Lee Roth will take Howard Stern's morning spot on New York radio when Stern goes to satellite radio. The news comes as a huge relief to Infinity's huge hairdressing staff.

DMX Busted
Rapper DMX has agreed to serve 60 days in jail for violating his parole, but when asked about it by reporters he said, "stupid ass motherf**ker, going to crack his f**king head in!" It's not clear whether he was lashing out at the judge or just repeating the title of his new CD.

Smoking Kids
A new study shows that the smoking rate among high school students has dropped from 28% in 2000 to 20% in 2004... mostly because most high school students don't have the $500 you need to buy a pack of cigarettes every day.

Bond Origins
The director of the new James Bond film "Casino Royale" says that this prequel will reveal why Bond treats women as one-night stands... so I guess the female co-star will be Paris Hilton.

Love's Dog
Documents show Courtney Love dropped off her dog at a vet's office in the spring and still hasn't picked him up. But believe me, that dog really doesn't want to come home!

Green Giant Dead
Elmer "Len" Dresslar Jr., who played the Jolly Green Giant in TV ads, has died at the age of 80. His family can't decide whether to have his remains canned or frozen.

Green Giant Dead II
Elmer "Len" Dresslar Jr., who played the Jolly Green Giant in TV ads, has died at the age of 80. Actually he died last year, but it took a while for people to realize that his body was really decomposing and he wasn't just wearing his old costume.

Lohan's Merchandise
Lindsay Lohan is reportedly upset after a headlamp from her black Mercedes appeared on an eBay auction following her recent car crash. Apparently she's mostly upset because it's selling for more than one of her original breasts.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Missing Village Person
An arrest warrant has been issued for Victor Willis, who was the policeman in the 70's group The Village People. Willis is still at large, but authorities expect to find him by searching all of the nation's gay donut shops.

Orgasm Crime
A Brazilian woman has filed a police complaint against her lover for not giving her an orgasm. Well, if that's something you can get arrested for, we're in the middle of a worldwide crime spree!

Top 5 White House Strategies to Boost President Bush's Approval Rating

5) Replace Harriet Miers as Supreme Court nominee with that hot chick from "The Practice"

4) Make tearful confession on Oprah

3) Institute a national lottery, first prize: free gas!

2) Get Laura to "show a little leg"

1) Take a permanent nap

Bush's Future
Facing a number of crises threatening his administration, President Bush and his team are hoping to salvage the remainder of his presidency by refocusing his attention on his larger economic and foreign policy goals. So, now all he has to do is get some economic and foreign policy goals.

Florida Power Out
In the wake of Hurricane Wilma, about 6 million Floridians are still without power... actually there are about 10 million Floridians without power, but they're the ones who tried to vote for Al Gore in 2000.

Naughty CEO
Savvis Communications has placed its CEO on unpaid leave after his credit card company says he was two years late in paying $241,000 in charges at a Manhattan strip club. Savvis is considering replacing him with someone who has more respect for strip clubs and all they've done for big business.

McDonald's Movie
McDonald's has unveiled a short film on the Internet called "From Farm to Table," that gives web users a virtual tour of the chain's food-making process. The sequel is called "From Table to the Quadruple Bypass."

Broadway Boost
A number of Broadway shows are raising prices dramatically. Orchestra seats for "The Phantom of the Opera" are now $100, box seats for "The Producers" are now $110, and people wanting to see "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang," have to pay to fill the car's tank with premium unleaded before each performance.

Cheney's Proposal
Dick Cheney has proposed exempting CIA operatives from a law that would bar torturing prisoners in U.S. custody. CIA agents say they appreciate Cheney's help, but they would rather he just stop leaking their damn names to the press.

All Bruce
Sirius Satellite Radio is launching a new channel that will play all Bruce Springsteen music 24/7. But it's unclear how this new channel will compete with the 17 regular radio stations in New Jersey that have already been doing that for 20 years.

Minutemen Go North
The civilian volunteer group the Minutemen, who have been patrolling the US-Mexico border to stop illegal immigrants, have now started patrolling the U.S.-Canadian border. So far, they're having a hard time getting anything done because they keep getting trampled by desperate Americans rushing in to Canada to get affordable prescription drugs.

Newark PR
The Newark, New Jersey City Council has awarded the "Newark Weekly News" a $100,000 contract to publish positive news about the city. Its first story will be about how easy it is to get rich off the Newark City Council.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Hey CBS and NBC readers... I'm still waiting on you! Please email when you get a chance and let me know if you can help.

Wal-Mart Health Plan
The good news is Wal-Mart is about to offer all of its employees a healthcare plan. The bad news is the only participating doctors are in China.

Bernanke Nominated
President Bush has nominated Ben Bernanke to replace Alan Greenspan as Chairman of the Federal Reserve. Bernanke is currently the President's leading economic adviser, which means his most important job is making sure Mr. Bush only eats the coins on his desk that are filled with chocolate.

Top 5 Signs Ben Bernanke is More Qualified for his Job than Harriet Miers

5) He can count

4) He can fill out a questionnaire in complete sentences

3) He can kiss Bush's ass too... just a little more discretely

2) He can grasp difficult financial concepts like debt, credit, and where to carry a wallet

1) He was really picked by Cheney

Bush Angry
Insiders say the mounting death toll in Iraq, the potential indictment of Karl Rove, and the weak economy have left President Bush frustrated, bitter and angry... oh no, wait, he's only feeling that way because he hasn't had his nap.

White House Attack
As the White House prepares for possible indictments in the CIA leak probe, the Bush administration has begun a campaign against the prosecutor in the case saying "he's a vile, detestable, person who believes he's been tapped by God to do very important things"... oh wait, that's the official bio for President Bush.

Celine's Eggs
Celine Dion says she plans to have a second child in 2007 and she already has a frozen embryo ready for in vitro fertilization treatments. Those eggs will be fertilized by the first man they can find who can stand listening to Celine Dion.

Christian Nation
Cory Burnell, the founder of the Christian Exodus movement, wants to set up a separate Christian nation where abortion is illegal, gay marriage is banned, schools cannot teach evolution, children can pray in public schools and the Ten Commandments are posted publicly. Of course that place already exists and it's called "South Carolina."

Charlize's Reading
Charlize Theron has said that she hasn't read a movie script since she won her Oscar for "Monster." The only trouble is, she's made five movies since then.

Staffers here at "Jake's Comedy Corner" have just obtained a copy of the controversial questionnaire responses Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers returned to the Senate Judiciary Committee! Enjoy!

U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee Supreme Court Justice Nominee Questionnaire

Name: Harriet Miers

Age: Well, that’s not the kind of question you should ask a lady!

Place of Birth: Hospital, (mama really didn’t trust those Negro midwives)

Education: The Bible

What is Your Opinion on Roe v. Wade?

I’m actually much better versed on this divisive issue than you would think, being that most women aren’t boxing fans. I think Roe has a terrific chance of winning based on his superior training and weight advantage. Now, that is not to say that Wade couldn’t surprise, especially with his ability to trap his opponents on the ropes and jab his way to a lead on points. Personally, I think it’s going to be a pretty close match, but the REAL excitement will come when the celebrities take their seats ringside! I surely hope Mr. Larry Hagman and his lovely wife will be in attendance as they were at the Bowe v. Holyfield fight a few years back.

Which Justice Would You Most Model Yourself After?

Oh my, what a difficult question! But it is a pleasure to get a question about personal style after all these years of working with mostly men, who just never seem to notice! Obviously, I like the lacey robes worn by Judge Judy on her television program. Justice O’Connor always had a neat hairdo that I would like to emulate, but I think I might add a few highlights. I may just go to that Sodomite hairdresser Andre over in Dupont Circle and tell him to ‘have at me,’ and see where that leads!

What is Your Opinion of Judicial Activism?

Oh goodness! I would never use any activator in my hair. What a silly question!

Is there a Precedent for Gay Marriage in the Constitution?

Judging by the frilly way the founding fathers wore their hair and dressed, I wouldn’t be surprised. But honestly, I agree with President Bush’s fight against gay marriage. Can you imagine the shame of being married to a man for years and years and find out he was gay! Of course, gay men should not be allowed to marry women when they really just want to spend their time with men. Just to tell you one horror story, my friend Beatrice Andrews from college married her sweetheart, Ralph Abercrombie, and they were seemingly happy for 10 years, (even though Beatrice did confide in me that Ralph never actually touched her). Well, one day just after Thanksgiving, she walked right in on him trying on her best pantsuit and hat! Needless to say, Beatrice was in tears, and it was all Ralph could do to get her to stop crying. If there’s one solemn duty I’d like to take on as an Associate Justice to the Supreme Court of the United States, it would be to outlaw such sham marriages and make sure those gays stay amongst themselves. Or here’s another idea: why not let gay men just marry each other? I’m sure that makes more sense, and I’d be happy to let someone else take the credit for that one.

Cite Three Cases that Best Support Your Personal Philosophy

Ever since I was a little girl, mama and papa taught me to respect our family’s heirloom China case that we kept in the front hall. I never did figure out how our ancestors came to Texas from China, and I sure didn’t have any relatives who even looked Chinese, but I never would disobey my elders. So, that China case surely influenced my behavior for years to come.

Another kind of case that influenced me was my little overnight suitcase mama gave me when I went off to college. “Now Harriet,” she would say, “this case is very small, and that means you can’t put more than a toothbrush and little change of clothes in it so I surely hope you won’t be able to spend the night with any of those boys you meet in school on the count of its little size!” Well, when mama said that I could just die! I think I turned more purple than an ripe eggplant at the Piggly Wiggly. But you know, she was right. Without enough room to put my cold creams, hair curlers, and diaphragm, wouldn’t you know I never really had a chance to enjoy all that “free love” nonsense of the 1960’s? That was one case that directed my future for sure!

Finally, I’d have to say there is a case right now that’s influencing my life quite a bit. It’s the case they carry those nuclear codes in and keep near President Bush all the time. When I think of how Mr. Bush is being so courageous as to never go too far away from those radioactive codes just to make sure they don’t “fall out,” (I think that’s what they call it when dangerous nuclear codes make people sick), I am just impressed! He really is the best president ever to watch over this dangerous material himself, and to make sure it doesn’t get into the wrong hands. I hope I can show the same discretion and care for the American people when I join the court!

What Qualifications Do You Have to Become and Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court?

I think my many years working as a lawyer are more than enough to qualify me to simply be an ASSOCIATE justice! I mean, it’s not exactly like I’m going to be an actual judge, now is it? I’ll be just like the title says, an “associate” to a justice on the Supreme Court. I can get coffee, look up briefs, and even answer phones when necessary.

Please State Your Opinions and Experience with Constitutional Law

I’m sorry to say that my father was once taken in by a so-called “constitution man,” on a family trip to New York City in the 1950’s. We weren’t off the train for more than 15 minutes when some gentleman wearing a silk suit and brightly polished shows offered to sell him a controlling share in a magnificent bridge across the East River to Brooklyn. Of course, papa was no fool; he demanded a complete tour of the bridge and proof that people actually used it regularly before he agreed. So, we all trudged down to the bridge and walked over it a few times before he paid the man the $1,500 he asked for. But we found out later from a gentleman who said he worked for the City that the bridge was in dire need of some repairs and we were liable for more than $25,000 in work or we could be sued by the city! Luckily, another man wearing a silk suit and a feathered cap came by an hour later and offered to take the whole bridge off our hands for an additional $1,000. Weren’t we all relieved! Of course, we certainly would have been better off if that first man had been honest about the bridge’s problems in the first place! But there still aren’t enough “constitution laws” to curb men like him from taking advantage of unsuspecting victims, so I have a very strict outlook about “constitution law.”

Please add anything else you think the Committee should know about your qualifications here:

Well, I just want to thank the Academy for nominating me at all! I may not win anything, but it really is just a great honor to be nominated. I mean my phone’s been ringing off the hook for days and days, and there have even been some people from the newspapers asking me questions too! Now I knew working with President Bush would lead to some more attention that I was used to, but this has been just so overwhelming. Luckily, I expect to get back to normal in time for the holidays. Those yuletide poinsettias won’t plant themselves now!

I notice that you guys check this blog every day. I hope it's clear that I want very much to work with you! I don't know how I can say this more clearly, but PLEASE pass my info on to someone at the comedy programs, (late-night or sit-coms), who may be interested! I'm flattered, but I really need more than flattery right now! Please also just drop a note to if you can.

You can get Jake's Comedy Corner sent to your email! To get Jake's jokes emailed to you directly Monday-Friday, just send a blank email to

Wilma Damage
After two days of getting lashed by Hurricane Wilma, the Mexican resort of Cancun is in ruins... but it still looks better than it does after spring break.

Top 5 New Judith Miller Stories Based on Her "Confidential Sources"

5) "Brooklyn Bridge for Sale... Cheap!"

4) "President Bush Aces SAT'S"

3) "Karl Rove: Ladies Man"

2) "Evidence Shows Saddam Hussein Leaves Toilet Seat Up"

1) "American People Still Respect the New York Times"

U.N. Report on Syria
The bad news for Syria is that a new U.N. report shows its government was involved in the assassination of Lebanese Prime Minister Rafik Hariri. The good news is the report was filed by Judith Miller.

Schumer's Math
Senator Charles Schumer says Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers doesn't have enough votes to win confirmation in the U.S. Senate. So she's not qualified and she doesn't have enough votes... no wonder President Bush says they have so much in common!

Saints Leaving?
The New Orleans Saints are reportedly planning on leaving the city for good after this season... the team owners realize the people of New Orleans have lived through enough disasters already.

Bloomberg Spending
Even though he has a huge advantage over his Democratic challenger in the polls, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg has already spent $50 million of his own money on his re-election campaign. It's not clear if Bloomberg wants to get re-elected as mayor, or if he just wants to become the next general manager for the Yankees.

Brazilian Gun Ban Defeated
A staggering 65% of Brazilians voted against a proposed ban on handguns, despite that nation's extremely high rate of gun violence. The only proposal rejected by more Brazilians was a bill to ban topless sunbathing.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Peterson Ruling
A judge has rejected Scott Peterson's petition to collect his wife Lacey's life insurance. An angry Peterson reacted to the ruling by saying, "if I had known this was going to happen, I wouldn't have gone to all that trouble to kill her in the first place!"

Car Jacking Thwarted
A would-be carjacker was stopped when his intended victim threw a cup of hot McDonald's coffee in his face. But the man is still happy, because now he can sue McDonald's for his injuries.

Friday, October 21, 2005

NBA Dress Code
Several African-American NBA players say the new league-wide dress code discriminates against blacks. They cite other racist regulations, like the one that forces all the black athletes to play in the games while the white guys sit on the bench.

Top 5 Other Controversial New NBA Rules

5) All tattoos must be spelled correctly

4) Players must refrain from laughing at those idiots who paid $2,500 for courtside seats to a Knicks game

3) No player can wear anything that brings shame to the league, like a Clippers uniform

2) All players must promise to arrive at their paternity hearings on time

1) No trading outfits with the players from the WNBA

Wilma & Cuba
Hurricane Wilma is expected to smash right into Cuba and destroy about 100,000 homes... causing an estimated $30 in total damages.

Buffett Giveaway
The good news is Warren Buffett says he plans to give away most of his $51 billion before he dies. The bad news is the only he guy he trusts with it is Bill Gates.

Book Store Bankrupt
Atlanta-based "Chapter 11 Bookstores" has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. When asked if they could have altered their fate if they had named the store something else, the owners replied, "yeah, we should have called it '"

Gregg Wins
New Hampshire Senator Judd Gregg won $850,000 in the Power Ball lottery... this means the Senator will be able to cancel one of his 15-scheduled fundraisers next week.

Bad TV
The Parents Television Council announced its annual list of the ten worst shows for family viewing this week. Topping the list: President Bush's news conferences.

Rose Cuffed
Actress Rose McGowan created a disturbance at an L.A. club last week and was handcuffed and removed by a security guard. McGowan and the guard are now dating.

Wasting Time
A new survey shows the average person spends 4 years of his or her life doing housework, and just 16 hours having orgasms. men are reacting to the study by screwing their maids.

Changed Name
The owner of "," a Tom Cruise-skewing website, has agreed to change the name of the site because of complaints from the Church of Scientology. But the Scientologists aren't too happy with the new name for site: ""

Mr. Poop Drops Out
An environmental activist in Victoria, British Columbia, who dresses up in a feces costume, has withdrawn his name as a candidate for local office. That's because pieces of crap in Canada usually run for national office.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the Punchlines column in today's Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Copperfield's Goal
Magician David Copperfield says his next trick will be to impregnate a woman onstage without touching her... sorry David, Tom Cruise just did that with Katie Holmes.

Bush's Boast
Even though it's the strongest such storm on record, Governor Jeb Bush says Florida is ready for Hurricane Wilma. Experts say that statement was a fatal error, as it's only making the storm mad.

Specter's Snipe
Judiciary Committee Chairman Arlen Specter wants Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers to re-submit her questionnaire to the U.S. Senate. Not because he wasn't happy with her answers, but because she didn't use a no. 2 pencil.

Top 5 Lesser-Known Queries on the Supreme Court Nominee Questionnaire

5) Briefs or Boxers?

4) Do you look good in black?

3) Can you even name one of the guys on the Chicago White Sox?

2) Would you change your mind about Roe v. Wade if Pauly Shore got a woman pregnant?

1) What do you think the Hell is up with that Nancy Grace?

Saddam's Outburst
During his trial Wednesday, Saddam Hussein refused to identify himself and instead asked the judge, "Who in the world are you?" Oh no... wait, that's just what he asked Harriet Miers.

Senate Pay Freeze
The US Senate voted 92 to 6 this week to give up its annual automatic pay raise. The Senators felt this was the right way to go considering the federal budget constraints and the fact that the oil companies are bribing them so much more this year anyway.

No Bust
Police say a second grader in Connecticut, who brought more than a dozen bags of marijuana to school, will not face criminal charges... but only because it was, "really good sh*t!"

Teens and Oral Sex
According to a new study by the Centers for Disease Control, half of the 15 to 19 year-olds in America are having oral sex... the other half still have braces.

A new group rejecting monogamy is being formed in New York called "Polyamorous NYC"... it's also known by its more famous name: "The Democratic Party."

New School
A finishing school for young men has opened in England. Its official purpose is to help super-rich boys speak English at least well enough to help them avoid becoming another President Bush.

Top 5 Saddam Hussein Defense Strategies

5) Plead guilty... but with an explanation

4) In return for an acquittal, offer to bomb the studio making the new "Rocky" movie

3) Get those idiot jurors from the Michael Jackson and O.J. trials

2) Donate $10 million to Tom DeLay's legal defense fund

1) Assure American conservatives that if acquitted, Saddam will definitely overturn Roe v. Wade

Airport Re-Opens
Washington's Reagan-National Airport has finally been cleared for regular and private airline traffic for the first time since 9/11... and the airport expects to have regular airline traffic as soon as they can find an airline that hasn't gone bankrupt since 9/11.

Top 5 Rejected TV Pilots

5) "When Stuffed Animals Attack"

4) "My Name is James Earl Ray"

2) "Everybody Who Loved Raymond Has Herpes"

2) "Elderly Celebrity Strip Poker"

1) "Survivor: Jersey City"

Schumer's Take
After meeting Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, Senator Charles Schumer said he was "more impressed with John Roberts, who has a sharp legal mind, a grasp of the Constitution, and was thoughtful enough to bring a nice fruit basket from Zabar's when he came to visit... unlike some other nominees I don't care to mention."

New Immigration Policy
Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff is promising to "return every single illegal alien who is caught," instead of continuing the "catch and release" policy for illegals after they're arrested. Chertoff will keep this promise simply by ordering border agents to stop catching illegal aliens.

Cheney a Target?
Sources say the special prosecutor's focus into who outed CIA operative Valerie Plame may soon implicate Vice President Dick Cheney. Sources also say the special prosecutor will either get a highly paid job at Halliburton or be killed within six weeks.

Bush and Blacks
A new poll shows that President Bush's approval rating among black Americans has plunged to 2%. That may have something to do with the fact that 2% of black Americans actually have jobs in the Bush administration.

Heredia Busted
Mets relief pitcher Felix Heredia has been suspended for using steroids. Even when the Mets season is over, they still find a way to lose!

Heredia Busted II
Mets relief pitcher Felix Heredia has been suspended for using steroids. The news is a shock to most Mets fans who weren't aware the team even had any relief pitchers.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Rocky VI
Sylvester Stallone has signed on to make another "Rocky" movie. The film will be about a former heavyweight champ trying to overcome his failed decision to host a low-rated reality show.

Top 5 Reasons They're Make Another "Rocky" Movie

5) Thanks to Viagra, Stallone's love scenes won't seem too implausible

4) The folks who saw the "Dukes of Hazzard" movie should have enough money saved up to see another movie by the time they're done filming this thing

3) The studios want to take a break from all the originality coming out of Hollywood these days

2) One Word: "Alimony"

1) It couldn't possibly be worse than Rocky V

More Rocky
Sylvester Stallone has signed on to make another "Rocky" movie. The news is coming at the worst possible time for the U.S. government, which has already exhausted most of its disaster resources for the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Ted to the Rescue
U.S. Senator Edward Kennedy helped save six people who were trapped off Hyannisport while fishing this weekend. Kennedy agreed to assist in their rescue as soon as he determined that none of the people were named "Mary Jo."

Condi Says No
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is denying that she has any plans to run for President in 2008 saying, "I don't know how many ways to say no." Luckily, she's been practicing saying no to every man who's asked her for a date for the last 40 years.

Sunnis Playing Ball?
The large Sunni turnout in Iraq's constitutional referendum vote Saturday shows Sunnis may be ready to engage in politics rather than terrorism. That would be encouraging news if it weren't for the fact that in the Middle East, there is no difference between politicians and terrorists.

Powerball Jackpot
The jackpot in this week's Powerball lottery will be $340 million. The winner will have the option of accepting the jackpot as a lump sum, taking cash payments over 20 years, or getting his SUV filled with gas for a whole month.

Neil Young on Conan
Neil Young will be the musical guest on Late Night with Conan O'Brien for an entire week in November... mostly because it usually takes about five days to get him to shut the Hell up.

No Candidates
The town of Oakley, Idaho is holding municipal elections next month, even though there are no declared candidates yet. This is not unlike what happened last year when the United States held a presidential election without any real candidates either.

Scientology Suit
The Church of Scientology is suing the humor site, which spoofs Tom Cruise, for copyright infringement. The Scientologists are also suing New York's Bellevue Mental Health Center for stealing their whole idea of making money off of crazy people.

Old Food
Scientists say that the world's oldest known noodles, dating back 4,000 years, were made in China. But what they didn't know is that those same noodles are still sitting on a table at Hunan Dynasty on West 14th street.

Saddam Trial
Saddam Hussein's criminal trial starts this week, but the Iraqi courts are having trouble finding 12 jurors who didn't have at least one family member who was executed by Saddam Hussein.

Bush Approval Rating
The latest poll shows 58% of Americans disapprove of the job President Bush is doing, 39% approve, and the other 3% are too busy waiting for FEMA to show up to have an opinion.

Sox Win!!
The Chicago White Sox are finally back in the World Series for the first time since 1959. The only organization that takes longer to reach its intended destination is FEMA.

Iraq Vote
Iraq's constitutional referendum appears to have been a success, with millions of Iraqis sporting ink-stained fingers to show they voted. But it's not clear if they all really participated, or if most of them just hadn't washed their hands since the parliamentary elections in January.

Top 5 Most Popular Amendments in the New Iraqi Constitution

5) 1st Amendment: Free Speech, (The right to yell "help" 5 seconds before an insurgent blows you up).

4) 2nd Amendment: Right to Bear Arms, (The right to use a handgun in a futile attempt to stop a suicide car bomber driving a Hummer).

3) 5th Amendment: Protection from self-incrimination at trial, (The Koranic courts won't be holding any trials anyway).

2) 8th Amendment: Protection from Cruel and Unusual Punishment, (No Iraqi will ever have to get naked in front of Lynndie England again).

1) 13th Amendment: Abolition of Slavery, (Everyone will get $5 a year from Halliburton guaranteed).

Stem Cell Breakthrough?
Scientists may have found a new way to conduct stem cell research without destroying human embryos. If true, that would not only solve the ethical problems surrounding the work, but it would also eliminate the only remaining reason anyone has to support President Bush.

Inflation Report
Consumer prices across America are soaring, but the government's experts say inflation is under control if you ignore gas and food prices. Of course, they can do that because they're all bed-ridden and fed intravenously.

Backing Britain
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is giving full backing to Britain's attempts to stop Iran from developing a nuclear program. Rice says she's impressed by the fact that the UK is taking a hard line, keeping allies informed, and actually has a leader who reads urgent memos.

GM Healthcare
The UAW and GM are negotiating a plan to reduce GM's employee healthcare costs, but both sides are still far apart. The UAW is offering to make concessions to cut the company's costs by $400 million, while GM is offering free Flintstones vitamins and Sucrets.

Bond's Challenge
Daniel Craig has an uphill battle as he takes on the role of James Bond. He'll have to win over skeptics who don't approve of violent films, don't appreciate the secret agent genre, and don't understand why Bond hasn't yet died of AIDS.

Friday, October 14, 2005

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the Punchlines column in today's Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday

Rainy Weather
It's been so rainy in New York that even George Steinbrenner is too waterlogged to fire anybody.

Avian Flu in Europe
Published reports say the dreaded avian flu has come to Europe. But doctors won't know how contagious the illness really is until it's detected in a continent with people who actually shower.

Chewbacca Immigrates
The actor who played Chewbacca in the Star Wars movies is about to become an American citizen. The last big, hairy, and non-communicative foreigner to become a U.S. citizen was Rupert Murdoch.

Miers Not Quitting
A White House statement insists Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers is not going to withdraw her nomination saying, "No one who knows her record and her qualifications would make such a suggestion." Which is true, because there is no one who actually knows her record and qualifications.

Civil Rights Pioneer
Vivian Malone, the woman who became the first African-American student at the University of Alabama, has died at the age of 63. Malone risked everything to get a college education, but since she graduated from the University of Alabama, she still didn't really get one.

Princeton Club
Students at Princeton University are starting a chastity club to support their beliefs that pre-marital sex is wrong. Luckily, no one's wanted to have sex with a Princeton undergrad since Brooke Shields graduated 20 years ago.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Yom Kippur
Yom Kippur is the most solemn day of atonement for Jews all over the world. It's the time when we ask God to forgive us for all our sins, transgressions, and Woody Allen.

Top 5 Yom Kippur Fasting Tips

5) Take a good look at Ariel Sharon

4) Remember that fasting is still better than eating low-carb bread

3) Keep your mouth busy by gnawing on your synagogue's annual donation cards

2) Suppress your appetite by thinking about the Yankees payroll

1) Since you're not eating anyway, snort some cocaine for the complete Kate Moss experience

New James Bond
Actor Daniel Craig has been chosen for the leading role in the new James Bond film. The studio says it chose Craig because his British upbringing is a perfect match for the part... well, that and the fact that he's screwed every actress in Hollywood.

New York City Storms
Heavy rains caused widespread flooding throughout New York City today, forcing delays on the subways. Apparently, the subway tracks are only resistant to urine, not rainwater.

Bush Warns Syria
President Bush is warning Syria that "the free world demands more democracy in Lebanon." Syria is replying by asking: "Okay, but what does America want?"

Schroeder Stepping Down
Even though his party is part of the new German coalition, Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder says he will have no real decision-making power in the new government... well, neither does President Bush but that doesn't stop him from staying in office!

Nomar the Savior
Sports Illustrated is reporting that former Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra saved two women from drowning in Boston Harbor this week. Garciaparra stepped in to help after they slipped right through Bill Buckner's legs into the water.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Top 5 Yankee Excuses

5) It's A-Rod's "time of the month"

4) The team missed too many practices because of the Jewish holidays

3) Randy Johnson is secretly dating the "rally monkey"

2) Thanks to Angels' kooky name change, Yankees never did figure out if they were playing in Los Angeles or Anaheim

1) With these oil prices, a $200 million payroll just isn't so much anymore

Subway Threat Over
Investigators say the recent threat against the New York City subways was a hoax. So that means the only dangerous ticking time bomb in New York now is George Steinbrenner.

Beaten Man Speaks
The 64-year-old New Orleans man, whose brutal beating by cops on Bourbon Street was caught on videotape, says he has no animosity towards the police. But he does think their nightsticks and tasers are a bunch of racist bastards.

Miers Cards
The AP is reporting that Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers told George W. Bush in a 1997 birthday card that he was "the best governor ever" and that she hoped his twin daughters recognize their parents are "cool." These important notes tell us something very critical about Ms. Miers; she knows how to kiss ass.

Economic Nobel
An American and an Israeli have won the Nobel Prize in Economics for using so-called "game theory" to understand possible outcomes in business, real estate, and other conflicts. But the guys who invented "Monopoly" say that was their idea!

Summit Called Off
The planned meeting between Israeli leader Ariel Sharon and Palestinian Chairman Mahmoud Abbas has been put off at the last minute. The two sides reportedly have sharp disagreements about terrorism, the future of the Israeli settlements, and who gets the last piece of pie.

Liberia Democracy
With Tuesday's nationwide voting, democracy is coming to Liberia. But the country won't really be seen as turning the corner until it's nice enough for one of its cruise ships to actually dock there.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Robertson's Prophecy
Televangelist Pat Robertson believes the recent hurricanes, earthquakes and other natural disasters are a sign of the end of days. Luckily, he also believes the worst can be avoided by donating $19.95 to the 700 Club.

N.O. Police Beating
CNN has broadcast stunning video of three New Orleans cops mercilessly beating a man as they arrested him on Bourbon Street. It's not clear what's more shocking, the brutality of the beating, or the fact that someone was actually arrested on Bourbon Street.

Jacko Wax Museum
Michael Jackson visited Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in London this weekend. Jackson likes to go there for inspiration before deciding on his next plastic surgery.

Jacko Wax Museum II
Michael Jackson visited Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in London this weekend. The curators like to have Jackson visit once or twice a month so they can make sure their statue of him is keeping up with his plastic surgeries.

Delphi Effect?
After auto parts maker Delphi declared bankruptcy this week, experts believe GM could soon file for bankruptcy too; shocking millions of Americans who thought GM was already bankrupt.

Madonna Song
Leading Rabbis in Israel say Madonna will be punished in the afterlife for her new pop song mentioning an ancient Jewish mystic. Of course everyone who listens to the song is already being punished in this life.

Sex Poll
Zogby International is releasing the data from its poll cataloging the sexual preferences of 56,000 different U.S. men. The only thing the men had in common is that they had each slept with Paris Hilton.

Quake Aid
The good news is that the U.S. is sending immediate personnel to the Pakistani and Indian villages most hurt by the recent earthquake. The bad news is they're all ex-FEMA officials who just had to resign.

Shared Experience
The shared experience of the earthquake disaster should bring the people of India and Pakistan closer together... but not as much as those tough new rules for New York City cab drivers.

Cruise-Holmes Baby Latest
Doctors are still not able to confirm the sex of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' baby, but they are sure it's first words will be: "I want a paternity test!"

FBI Policy Change
The FBI is now considering hiring applicants who have a drug conviction in their past. Wow, it looks like President Bush really is making an impression on Washington!

Weekend Box Office
The new Al Pacino-Matthew McConaughey sports gambling flick, "Two for the Money," debuted in fourth at the box office this weekend. It would have placed first, but most of the movie's potential fans were too busy standing outside theaters betting on how many people would demand their money back after seeing "Two for the Money."

Long Game
The Houston Astros eliminated the Atlanta Braves from the playoffs yesterday in the longest postseason game in baseball history. The game went on for so long, the players were forced to chew on sunflower seeds they had spit out in the first inning.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Red Sox Lose
The Red Sox were swept out of the playoffs last night by the Chicago White Sox. But since most Sox fans still can't believe they won the World Series last year, not many of them are upset.

Asian Quake
A huge earthquake has hit south Asia. American cable news networks are scrambling to figure out to blame this on Mike Brown.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Subway Threat
The FBI says there's been a specific threat against the New York City subways by members of al Qaeda in Iraq. To improve security, the city is setting up more checkpoints, removing garbage cans from the platforms, and asking all registered sex offenders to frisk any passengers who look suspicious.

Subway Safety
Experts say one good safety precaution for commuter rail systems is to remove all trash cans from station platforms. Luckily, they were all stolen from the New York Subways in 1964.

Top 5 Signs of Danger on a New York City Subway Train

5) Anyone wearing an Angels cap

4) Two panhandlers attempting to work the same car at once

3) Rats who look like they haven't been fed in a few hours

2) Ex-FEMA director Mike Brown yelling, "Am I too late again?"

1) Police officers who actually do something besides talk to each other

Gas Price Effects
Experts say the retailers who are the hardest hit by higher gas prices are the clothing chains. So now we know why people dressed so badly in the 70's.

Fixing the "Fixed"
A Missouri man is making millions by selling prosthetic testicles for dogs that have been neutered. No dogs are actually using the product, but it is very popular among most of America's politicians.

Internet Study
A new study shows that 20% of Americans still have never been online, and thus remain a step or two behind the rest of the country. So the only question is: how did President Bush get the other 31% of America to vote for him?

Fed Choice
President Bush says he'll be keeping an open mind about who will run the Federal Reserve Bank when Alan Greenspan retires. But if he makes this choice the same way he chose Harriet Miers for the Supreme Court, he's most likely to nominate the guy who works the cash register at White House coffee shop.

New Nickel
The 2006 nickel will feature a forward image of Thomas Jefferson, rather than a profile. Of course, it figures that the only forward-looking politician in America has been dead for about 200 years.

Paparazzi Law
California has created a new law forcing paparazzi and their employers to compensate celebrities for assault and other incidents that occur while they try to snap a picture. Experts believe the National Enquirer could soon go bankrupt from paying Lindsay Lohan's car insurance premiums alone.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Cruise-Holmes Baby
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are now expecting a baby. The fetus is only a few weeks old, but even it knows its parents' relationship is a sham.

Top 5 Signs the Miers Nomination is in Trouble

5) It's been 3 days and still no commercials on cable TV bashing her critics!

4) Rush Limbaugh holding out for more free pain pills from the White House before he supports her

3) President Bush still doesn't have a stupid nickname for her like "turd blossom"

2) Ex-FEMA director Mike Brown is now working on her confirmation

1) Sandra Day O'Connor is postponing her "month of beauty" at Bliss Spa until February

Lott's Worries
Senator Trent Lott says he is "not comfortable" with Harriet Miers' nomination to the Supreme Court and that he owes it to his constituents to find out everything about who this person is"... in other words, he's still not sure if she's black.

Miers Duties
It turns out that new Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers has also been working in the White House as the staff secretary, where she is in charge of all the paperwork that crosses the President's desk. So I guess the Oval Office janitor was Bush's second choice.

Eminem Sues
Eminem has filed a lawsuit to stop his songs from being used as cell phone ring tones or in karaoke machines. Now if he just extends that suit to include stopping his music from being used by radio stations, we'll all be happy.

New Red Cross
A new "Red Cross for pets" is being created to ensure that dogs and cats aren't left behind during the next major weather disaster. And a series of new PR firms are being created to ensure that the nation's politicians don't lose all their support during the next major weather disaster.

Husband & Wife on Trial
A husband and wife who ran a psychotherapy practice went on trial this week on charges that they employed mentally ill people and often forced them to perform depraved acts on videotape. The couple is better known to most Americans as "NBC."

U2 on Conan
Tonight's episode of "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" will completely dedicated to musical guest U2... so that means no drunken Irish jokes or bits making fun of starving Africans for one night only.

Arnold and Jackie
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will travel to Beijing next month with Jackie Chan to pressure Chinese officials to crack down on movie copyright violators. They will also attend the premiere of a new Chinese movie about a governor and an action film star who travel to a foreign country to try to crack down on movie copyright violators.

Craigslist Grunts
Marines in New York City say they have had great success using to recruit more soldiers... but that's because the pitch can be found under the online heading that says, "Affordable Housing with On-Site Fitness Center!"

Etheridge Sitcom
Melissa Etheridge is developing a sitcom with ABC about what her life might have been like had she not become a famous musician, but still been gay and stayed in Kansas. It's going to be called, "Everybody Hates Melissa."

Blasting Bond
The Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine has criticized the James Bond movies for championing unsafe sex with random partners... oh, and they kind of didn't like all the killing and the threatening to blow up the world with hijacked nuclear bombs either.

Blasting Bond II
The Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine has criticized the James Bond movies for championing unsafe sex with random partners... oh, and they really didn't like the ones with Timothy Dalton and George Lazenby either.

Whiskey Name
A Swedish couple has won he right to name their daughter "Edradour," after a Scottish whiskey brand. In return for getting the company to waive its naming rights, the parents have promised to keep the girl sufficiently drunk at all times.

NYC Teachers Deal
New York City and the teachers union have agreed on a new contract that gives the educators a 15% salary hike. It's not clear if this news is better for the teachers, or their students who regularly mug them.

Space Tourist
Entrepreneur Gregory Olsen says the $20 million he paid to visit the international space station has been "worth every penny." But it's not clear if he said that because of the thrill of space travel, or because he's in the only place in the universe where you don't have to see anymore hurricane coverage.

Ramadan Begins
The Muslim holy month of Ramadan has just begun, prompting millions of the world's Arabs to vow revenge against the Jews for illegally occupying their holiday by scheduling Rosh Hashanah at the same time.

Top 5 Jewish New Year's Resolutions

5) Never let anyone eat another Lender's "bagel"

4) Whatever diet Ariel Sharon is on... do the reverse!

3) Three words: "Don't buy retail"

2) Lobby for bigger portions at the local deli

1) Do something about Barbra Streissand

Jong Il Successor
Ruthless and desperate North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il says he's chosen his "perfect successor," and will introduce him soon. The only question is: will the North Korean people accept Dick Cheney?

Red Sox Lose
The Chicago White Sox drubbed the Boston Red Sox 14-2 in game 1 of their playoff series yesterday. But Boston fans aren't expected to react until they sober up from celebrating last year's World Series victory.

New Feed Rules
The FDA has created a new set of animal feed rules to help curb the spread of mad cow disease. But critics say American livestock will never be truly free of the brain-destroying disorder until the government blacks out the Fox News Channel in every farm across the country.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Miers Nominated
President Bush has nominated his personal counsel, Harriet Miers, to the Supreme Court. While not exactly a well-known attorney, experts believe that anyone who's been able to keep President Bush from getting indicted this long must be a legal genius.

Miers Nominated II
When John Roberts was first nominated to the high court, "Law and Order" star Fred Thompson acted as his confirmation adviser. Now that Harriet Miers has been nominated, she's trying to get that chick from "Judging Amy."

Miers Nominated III
President Bush once called Miers "a pit bull in size six shoes." Of course, the person he often calls "a pit bull in size eleven shoes" is his mother.

Miers Nominated IV
A quick check of Miers personal history shows that she's never been a judge in any court. And a quick check of her years of devoted service to President Bush shows she's never been a judge of character either.

Pam Anderson Stalker
A judge has ordered a man accused of stalking Pamela Anderson to keep at least 500 feet away from her at all times. But the man's attorneys are appealing that ruling since it's impossible for anyone in America to be more than 100 feet away from Anderson's breasts at any time.

Rosh Hashanah
This being the eve of the Jewish new year, police are setting up roadblocks across the New York area to check for motorists who may be have eaten too much before getting behind the wheel.

Top 5 Signs it's Rosh Hashanah in New York

5) Thousands jam Times Square looking for a decent raisin challah

4) Jewish New Year's day bowl games are all chess matches

3) Stock market posts it's lowest volume of the year

2) Local comedy clubs all closed

1) No lines at the Carnegie Deli

Giuliani for President?
Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani says he'll decide next year whether he'll run for president. Giuliani is expected to join the race as soon as he can find a way to make Republicans forget that he's twice divorced, pro-choice, and Catholic.

Top 5 Things Rudy Giuliani Must Do Before Deciding Whether to Run for President

5) Make sure he doesn't make any appearances with Bill Bennett

4) Get rid of all the pictures of him with that awful comb-over

3) Give Bernie Kerik his little black book back

2) Make sure the Yankees find a decent middle reliever

1) Spend about two years with a speech therapist

Hilton Wedding Off
Paris Hilton has broken off her five-month engagement to Paris Latsis, saying she "didn't want to do anything she wasn't really ready to do." Too bad that didn't stop her from thinking she could act.

Hilton Wedding Off II
Paris Hilton has broken off her five-month engagement to Paris Latsis. Hilton realized she had to call off the wedding when she realized there wasn't anybody on the guest list whom she hadn't slept with.

NHL Returns
Pro hockey teams are actually doing well in ticket sales, despite the NHL lockout that canceled all of last season. That shouldn't be too much of a surprise; Mets tickets sold pretty well this year and they haven't shown up to play since 2000.

Valium Inventor Dead
Leo Sternbach, who created several tranquilizers including Valium, has died at the age of 97. Sternbach's inventions are credited with dulling the pain of millions of Americans, deadening their senses, and allowing us all to live through the last four presidential administrations.

Icahn's Bid
Investor Carl Icahn is reportedly going to "get tough" in his bid to boost Time Warner share prices. Icahn is reportedly demanding that the company buy back more stock, spin off its cable operations, and get the nudity back on HBO.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio