Coach Under Fire
Air Force Academy football coach Fisher DeBerry is under fire for saying that "African-American Kids Run Faster." But he later restated that sentiment the more politically correct way by simply saying that "white kids are damn slow."

Top 5 Changes CBS Sports Chief Sean McManus Will Make to CBS News

5) From now on, all "Eye on Your Health" reports will be about injuries to New York Jet quarterbacks

4) No more questions about why President Bush won't commiserate with Cindy Sheehan, but more questions about why he won't commiserate with Redskins fans

3) Make Andy Rooney wear a cup

2) Replace all female anchors with those hot chicks from the Budweiser commercials

1) Make a graphic showing a huge bracket of 64 possible Supreme Court nominees and call it "October Madness!"

Bush-Death Toll
As the US death toll in Iraq reached 2,000 this week, President Bush said, "the best way to honor the sacrifice of our fallen troops is to complete the mission."... but it's still not clear how many American soldiers President Bush is on a mission to kill.

Symbolic Death
To protest the war in Iraq, Cindy Sheehan said she plans to "die symbolically" by tying herself to the White House fence. Of course it won't actually be so symbolic, because that fence is electrified.

Bush Polls
A new poll shows that 66% of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job of handling the war in Iraq.... the other 34% of Americans realize that President Bush was never handling the war in the first place.

Stern Replacement
Infinity Radio announced this week that David Lee Roth will take Howard Stern's morning spot on New York radio when Stern goes to satellite radio. The news comes as a huge relief to Infinity's huge hairdressing staff.

DMX Busted
Rapper DMX has agreed to serve 60 days in jail for violating his parole, but when asked about it by reporters he said, "stupid ass motherf**ker, going to crack his f**king head in!" It's not clear whether he was lashing out at the judge or just repeating the title of his new CD.

Smoking Kids
A new study shows that the smoking rate among high school students has dropped from 28% in 2000 to 20% in 2004... mostly because most high school students don't have the $500 you need to buy a pack of cigarettes every day.

Bond Origins
The director of the new James Bond film "Casino Royale" says that this prequel will reveal why Bond treats women as one-night stands... so I guess the female co-star will be Paris Hilton.

Love's Dog
Documents show Courtney Love dropped off her dog at a vet's office in the spring and still hasn't picked him up. But believe me, that dog really doesn't want to come home!

Green Giant Dead
Elmer "Len" Dresslar Jr., who played the Jolly Green Giant in TV ads, has died at the age of 80. His family can't decide whether to have his remains canned or frozen.

Green Giant Dead II
Elmer "Len" Dresslar Jr., who played the Jolly Green Giant in TV ads, has died at the age of 80. Actually he died last year, but it took a while for people to realize that his body was really decomposing and he wasn't just wearing his old costume.

Lohan's Merchandise
Lindsay Lohan is reportedly upset after a headlamp from her black Mercedes appeared on an eBay auction following her recent car crash. Apparently she's mostly upset because it's selling for more than one of her original breasts.