Staffers here at "Jake's Comedy Corner" have just obtained a copy of the controversial questionnaire responses Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers returned to the Senate Judiciary Committee! Enjoy!

U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee Supreme Court Justice Nominee Questionnaire


Name: Harriet Miers

Age: Well, that’s not the kind of question you should ask a lady!

Place of Birth: Hospital, (mama really didn’t trust those Negro midwives)

Education: The Bible

What is Your Opinion on Roe v. Wade?

I’m actually much better versed on this divisive issue than you would think, being that most women aren’t boxing fans. I think Roe has a terrific chance of winning based on his superior training and weight advantage. Now, that is not to say that Wade couldn’t surprise, especially with his ability to trap his opponents on the ropes and jab his way to a lead on points. Personally, I think it’s going to be a pretty close match, but the REAL excitement will come when the celebrities take their seats ringside! I surely hope Mr. Larry Hagman and his lovely wife will be in attendance as they were at the Bowe v. Holyfield fight a few years back.


Which Justice Would You Most Model Yourself After?

Oh my, what a difficult question! But it is a pleasure to get a question about personal style after all these years of working with mostly men, who just never seem to notice! Obviously, I like the lacey robes worn by Judge Judy on her television program. Justice O’Connor always had a neat hairdo that I would like to emulate, but I think I might add a few highlights. I may just go to that Sodomite hairdresser Andre over in Dupont Circle and tell him to ‘have at me,’ and see where that leads!

What is Your Opinion of Judicial Activism?

Oh goodness! I would never use any activator in my hair. What a silly question!

Is there a Precedent for Gay Marriage in the Constitution?

Judging by the frilly way the founding fathers wore their hair and dressed, I wouldn’t be surprised. But honestly, I agree with President Bush’s fight against gay marriage. Can you imagine the shame of being married to a man for years and years and find out he was gay! Of course, gay men should not be allowed to marry women when they really just want to spend their time with men. Just to tell you one horror story, my friend Beatrice Andrews from college married her sweetheart, Ralph Abercrombie, and they were seemingly happy for 10 years, (even though Beatrice did confide in me that Ralph never actually touched her). Well, one day just after Thanksgiving, she walked right in on him trying on her best pantsuit and hat! Needless to say, Beatrice was in tears, and it was all Ralph could do to get her to stop crying. If there’s one solemn duty I’d like to take on as an Associate Justice to the Supreme Court of the United States, it would be to outlaw such sham marriages and make sure those gays stay amongst themselves. Or here’s another idea: why not let gay men just marry each other? I’m sure that makes more sense, and I’d be happy to let someone else take the credit for that one.

Cite Three Cases that Best Support Your Personal Philosophy

Ever since I was a little girl, mama and papa taught me to respect our family’s heirloom China case that we kept in the front hall. I never did figure out how our ancestors came to Texas from China, and I sure didn’t have any relatives who even looked Chinese, but I never would disobey my elders. So, that China case surely influenced my behavior for years to come.

Another kind of case that influenced me was my little overnight suitcase mama gave me when I went off to college. “Now Harriet,” she would say, “this case is very small, and that means you can’t put more than a toothbrush and little change of clothes in it so I surely hope you won’t be able to spend the night with any of those boys you meet in school on the count of its little size!” Well, when mama said that I could just die! I think I turned more purple than an ripe eggplant at the Piggly Wiggly. But you know, she was right. Without enough room to put my cold creams, hair curlers, and diaphragm, wouldn’t you know I never really had a chance to enjoy all that “free love” nonsense of the 1960’s? That was one case that directed my future for sure!

Finally, I’d have to say there is a case right now that’s influencing my life quite a bit. It’s the case they carry those nuclear codes in and keep near President Bush all the time. When I think of how Mr. Bush is being so courageous as to never go too far away from those radioactive codes just to make sure they don’t “fall out,” (I think that’s what they call it when dangerous nuclear codes make people sick), I am just impressed! He really is the best president ever to watch over this dangerous material himself, and to make sure it doesn’t get into the wrong hands. I hope I can show the same discretion and care for the American people when I join the court!

What Qualifications Do You Have to Become and Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court?

I think my many years working as a lawyer are more than enough to qualify me to simply be an ASSOCIATE justice! I mean, it’s not exactly like I’m going to be an actual judge, now is it? I’ll be just like the title says, an “associate” to a justice on the Supreme Court. I can get coffee, look up briefs, and even answer phones when necessary.

Please State Your Opinions and Experience with Constitutional Law

I’m sorry to say that my father was once taken in by a so-called “constitution man,” on a family trip to New York City in the 1950’s. We weren’t off the train for more than 15 minutes when some gentleman wearing a silk suit and brightly polished shows offered to sell him a controlling share in a magnificent bridge across the East River to Brooklyn. Of course, papa was no fool; he demanded a complete tour of the bridge and proof that people actually used it regularly before he agreed. So, we all trudged down to the bridge and walked over it a few times before he paid the man the $1,500 he asked for. But we found out later from a gentleman who said he worked for the City that the bridge was in dire need of some repairs and we were liable for more than $25,000 in work or we could be sued by the city! Luckily, another man wearing a silk suit and a feathered cap came by an hour later and offered to take the whole bridge off our hands for an additional $1,000. Weren’t we all relieved! Of course, we certainly would have been better off if that first man had been honest about the bridge’s problems in the first place! But there still aren’t enough “constitution laws” to curb men like him from taking advantage of unsuspecting victims, so I have a very strict outlook about “constitution law.”

Please add anything else you think the Committee should know about your qualifications here:

Well, I just want to thank the Academy for nominating me at all! I may not win anything, but it really is just a great honor to be nominated. I mean my phone’s been ringing off the hook for days and days, and there have even been some people from the newspapers asking me questions too! Now I knew working with President Bush would lead to some more attention that I was used to, but this has been just so overwhelming. Luckily, I expect to get back to normal in time for the holidays. Those yuletide poinsettias won’t plant themselves now!