Top 5 Saddam Hussein Defense Strategies

5) Plead guilty... but with an explanation

4) In return for an acquittal, offer to bomb the studio making the new "Rocky" movie

3) Get those idiot jurors from the Michael Jackson and O.J. trials

2) Donate $10 million to Tom DeLay's legal defense fund

1) Assure American conservatives that if acquitted, Saddam will definitely overturn Roe v. Wade

Airport Re-Opens
Washington's Reagan-National Airport has finally been cleared for regular and private airline traffic for the first time since 9/11... and the airport expects to have regular airline traffic as soon as they can find an airline that hasn't gone bankrupt since 9/11.

Top 5 Rejected TV Pilots

5) "When Stuffed Animals Attack"

4) "My Name is James Earl Ray"

2) "Everybody Who Loved Raymond Has Herpes"

2) "Elderly Celebrity Strip Poker"

1) "Survivor: Jersey City"

Schumer's Take
After meeting Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, Senator Charles Schumer said he was "more impressed with John Roberts, who has a sharp legal mind, a grasp of the Constitution, and was thoughtful enough to bring a nice fruit basket from Zabar's when he came to visit... unlike some other nominees I don't care to mention."

New Immigration Policy
Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff is promising to "return every single illegal alien who is caught," instead of continuing the "catch and release" policy for illegals after they're arrested. Chertoff will keep this promise simply by ordering border agents to stop catching illegal aliens.

Cheney a Target?
Sources say the special prosecutor's focus into who outed CIA operative Valerie Plame may soon implicate Vice President Dick Cheney. Sources also say the special prosecutor will either get a highly paid job at Halliburton or be killed within six weeks.

Bush and Blacks
A new poll shows that President Bush's approval rating among black Americans has plunged to 2%. That may have something to do with the fact that 2% of black Americans actually have jobs in the Bush administration.

Heredia Busted
Mets relief pitcher Felix Heredia has been suspended for using steroids. Even when the Mets season is over, they still find a way to lose!

Heredia Busted II
Mets relief pitcher Felix Heredia has been suspended for using steroids. The news is a shock to most Mets fans who weren't aware the team even had any relief pitchers.