Iraq Vote
Iraq's constitutional referendum appears to have been a success, with millions of Iraqis sporting ink-stained fingers to show they voted. But it's not clear if they all really participated, or if most of them just hadn't washed their hands since the parliamentary elections in January.

Top 5 Most Popular Amendments in the New Iraqi Constitution

5) 1st Amendment: Free Speech, (The right to yell "help" 5 seconds before an insurgent blows you up).

4) 2nd Amendment: Right to Bear Arms, (The right to use a handgun in a futile attempt to stop a suicide car bomber driving a Hummer).

3) 5th Amendment: Protection from self-incrimination at trial, (The Koranic courts won't be holding any trials anyway).

2) 8th Amendment: Protection from Cruel and Unusual Punishment, (No Iraqi will ever have to get naked in front of Lynndie England again).

1) 13th Amendment: Abolition of Slavery, (Everyone will get $5 a year from Halliburton guaranteed).

Stem Cell Breakthrough?
Scientists may have found a new way to conduct stem cell research without destroying human embryos. If true, that would not only solve the ethical problems surrounding the work, but it would also eliminate the only remaining reason anyone has to support President Bush.

Inflation Report
Consumer prices across America are soaring, but the government's experts say inflation is under control if you ignore gas and food prices. Of course, they can do that because they're all bed-ridden and fed intravenously.

Backing Britain
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is giving full backing to Britain's attempts to stop Iran from developing a nuclear program. Rice says she's impressed by the fact that the UK is taking a hard line, keeping allies informed, and actually has a leader who reads urgent memos.

GM Healthcare
The UAW and GM are negotiating a plan to reduce GM's employee healthcare costs, but both sides are still far apart. The UAW is offering to make concessions to cut the company's costs by $400 million, while GM is offering free Flintstones vitamins and Sucrets.

Bond's Challenge
Daniel Craig has an uphill battle as he takes on the role of James Bond. He'll have to win over skeptics who don't approve of violent films, don't appreciate the secret agent genre, and don't understand why Bond hasn't yet died of AIDS.