Cruise-Holmes Baby
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are now expecting a baby. The fetus is only a few weeks old, but even it knows its parents' relationship is a sham.

Top 5 Signs the Miers Nomination is in Trouble

5) It's been 3 days and still no commercials on cable TV bashing her critics!

4) Rush Limbaugh holding out for more free pain pills from the White House before he supports her

3) President Bush still doesn't have a stupid nickname for her like "turd blossom"

2) Ex-FEMA director Mike Brown is now working on her confirmation

1) Sandra Day O'Connor is postponing her "month of beauty" at Bliss Spa until February

Lott's Worries
Senator Trent Lott says he is "not comfortable" with Harriet Miers' nomination to the Supreme Court and that he owes it to his constituents to find out everything about who this person is"... in other words, he's still not sure if she's black.

Miers Duties
It turns out that new Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers has also been working in the White House as the staff secretary, where she is in charge of all the paperwork that crosses the President's desk. So I guess the Oval Office janitor was Bush's second choice.

Eminem Sues
Eminem has filed a lawsuit to stop his songs from being used as cell phone ring tones or in karaoke machines. Now if he just extends that suit to include stopping his music from being used by radio stations, we'll all be happy.

New Red Cross
A new "Red Cross for pets" is being created to ensure that dogs and cats aren't left behind during the next major weather disaster. And a series of new PR firms are being created to ensure that the nation's politicians don't lose all their support during the next major weather disaster.

Husband & Wife on Trial
A husband and wife who ran a psychotherapy practice went on trial this week on charges that they employed mentally ill people and often forced them to perform depraved acts on videotape. The couple is better known to most Americans as "NBC."

U2 on Conan
Tonight's episode of "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" will completely dedicated to musical guest U2... so that means no drunken Irish jokes or bits making fun of starving Africans for one night only.

Arnold and Jackie
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will travel to Beijing next month with Jackie Chan to pressure Chinese officials to crack down on movie copyright violators. They will also attend the premiere of a new Chinese movie about a governor and an action film star who travel to a foreign country to try to crack down on movie copyright violators.

Craigslist Grunts
Marines in New York City say they have had great success using craigslist.com to recruit more soldiers... but that's because the pitch can be found under the online heading that says, "Affordable Housing with On-Site Fitness Center!"

Etheridge Sitcom
Melissa Etheridge is developing a sitcom with ABC about what her life might have been like had she not become a famous musician, but still been gay and stayed in Kansas. It's going to be called, "Everybody Hates Melissa."

Blasting Bond
The Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine has criticized the James Bond movies for championing unsafe sex with random partners... oh, and they kind of didn't like all the killing and the threatening to blow up the world with hijacked nuclear bombs either.

Blasting Bond II
The Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine has criticized the James Bond movies for championing unsafe sex with random partners... oh, and they really didn't like the ones with Timothy Dalton and George Lazenby either.

Whiskey Name
A Swedish couple has won he right to name their daughter "Edradour," after a Scottish whiskey brand. In return for getting the company to waive its naming rights, the parents have promised to keep the girl sufficiently drunk at all times.