NYC Teachers Deal
New York City and the teachers union have agreed on a new contract that gives the educators a 15% salary hike. It's not clear if this news is better for the teachers, or their students who regularly mug them.

Space Tourist
Entrepreneur Gregory Olsen says the $20 million he paid to visit the international space station has been "worth every penny." But it's not clear if he said that because of the thrill of space travel, or because he's in the only place in the universe where you don't have to see anymore hurricane coverage.

Ramadan Begins
The Muslim holy month of Ramadan has just begun, prompting millions of the world's Arabs to vow revenge against the Jews for illegally occupying their holiday by scheduling Rosh Hashanah at the same time.

Top 5 Jewish New Year's Resolutions

5) Never let anyone eat another Lender's "bagel"

4) Whatever diet Ariel Sharon is on... do the reverse!

3) Three words: "Don't buy retail"

2) Lobby for bigger portions at the local deli

1) Do something about Barbra Streissand

Jong Il Successor
Ruthless and desperate North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il says he's chosen his "perfect successor," and will introduce him soon. The only question is: will the North Korean people accept Dick Cheney?

Red Sox Lose
The Chicago White Sox drubbed the Boston Red Sox 14-2 in game 1 of their playoff series yesterday. But Boston fans aren't expected to react until they sober up from celebrating last year's World Series victory.

New Feed Rules
The FDA has created a new set of animal feed rules to help curb the spread of mad cow disease. But critics say American livestock will never be truly free of the brain-destroying disorder until the government blacks out the Fox News Channel in every farm across the country.