Coming Home II
The only people who are being asked to return to southeast Texas are gas station employees... which is odd, because no American gas stations have had any human workers since 1989.

Bush-Military
In the wake of the recent hurricanes, President Bush says whether the Pentagon should be used to rescue people in a disaster is something for Congress to consider. But the President reserves the right to be the sole person to decide when to use the Pentagon to kill people.

Louisiana's Quest
Louisiana Governor Kathleen Babineaux Blanco is expected to ask Congress for $31 billion in aid this week. The money would be used to repair flood damage, rebuild levees, and reduce the number of vowels in her name.

Minimal Damage
It turns out most major oil refineries suffered little or no damage from Hurricane Rita, which should send gas prices lower. But service station owners vow to make up the difference by charging $5 for bags of M&M's for the foreseeable future.

Weak Showing
Only about 400 people attended a rally in favor of the war in Iraq in Washington, D.C. Sunday. Organizers later realized they had made a terrible mistake by scheduling the event at the same time as Kmart's nationwide one-day sale on chewing tobacco and pork rinds.

Crime Rate
The nation's crime rate is still at a 30-year low. Experts say with gas and food prices so high, there's nobody left who's worth robbing.

Boeing Strike Over
Boeing and its machinists union have reached an agreement, ending a three-week strike. Now everyone at Boeing can get back to making jets for the airlines as soon as they find an airline that isn't bankrupt.