Rita Strengthens
Hurricane Rita is now a category 5 storm. Storms are classified as category 5 if they sustain winds greater than 150 miles an hour and have the ability to take 15 points off a politician's approval ratings.

Bush's Promise
Speaking at the annual convention of the Republican Jewish Coalition, President Bush vowed the federal government would do an effective job helping people avoid the ravages of Hurricane Rita. In fact, he was able to guarantee the crowd that Galveston's one Jewish Republican has already been airlifted to safety.

New Orleans Levees
A New York Times report confirms that the levees in New Orleans were never built to withstand major Gulf flooding. But they were built with Mardi Gras in mind, so they were perfect for withholding torrents of urine and vomit.

Gotti Cleared
After John Gotti Junior's murder trial ended in a mistrial, his mother celebrated and said that "God has a mother's prayers in his heart,"... well, that and God doesn't want to get whacked.

New Implants
Silicone breast implants will soon be back on the market, pending some new restrictions by the Bush administration. They include a stipulation that the biggest boobs can no longer run FEMA.

Top 5 Reasons the Government's Allowing Silicone Breast Implants

5) Gotta have something to distract the voters

4) The big ones can be used to float hurricane flood victims to safety

3) Goes along with everything else they've brought back from the 80's, like huge deficits and Wall Street scandals

2) The guys who make them donated the same good money as the polluters and the prescription drug makers

1) At least now they'll be able to make a visible effect on the nation

No School Lawyers
More states are considering allowing citizens to practice law, even if they don't attend law school. But if the lawyers aren't charged ridiculous tuitions for three years, how will they learn how to cheat their clients?