Brown Quits
Embattled FEMA Director Michael Brown has finally resigned. To get a replacement in place as soon as possible, the White House is asking all unqualified applicants to please make their donations to the Republican National Committee right away.

Top 5 Things the White House Wants in a New FEMA Director

5) Ability to alert the President quickly during a serious crisis, like when his poll numbers start to fall

4) Someone who can get Anderson Cooper to stop crying on live TV

3) Cute little nickname the President can remember, like "Brownie"

2) Ability to keep Barbara Bush's mouth shut

1) Someone who understands the whole, "dead people-bad, living people-good" idea

Temporary Prison
In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans police are using the local Greyhound station as a make-shift jail. Usually, it's only the people riding a Greyhound bus who feel like they're in jail.

Racial Divide
Hurricane Katrina has once again, highlighted the racial divide in America. A new poll shows that while 69% of blacks are angry about the government's slow response to the tragedy, 85% of whites still think O.J. was guilty.

Roberts Platform
During his confirmation hearings today, Chief Justice nominee John Roberts assured the Senators that he has no platform and no agenda... kind of like President Bush before 9/11.

Disney China
Thousands of people poured into Disney's new theme park in China on opening day yesterday. Tourists loved it, but it's not clear how Mickey, Donald and Goofy can survive making just 5 cents a day.