Gilligan's Dead
"Gilligan's Island" star Bob Denver has died at the age of 70. His death is finally giving the cable news networks a story big and important enough to cut away from all the hurricane coverage.

Gilligan's Dead II
"Gilligan's Island" star Bob Denver has died at the age of 70. Doctors say his death was caused by severe neurological injuries sustained by a lifetime of being hit on the head by the skipper's hat.

Gilligan's Dead III
"Gilligan's Island" star Bob Denver has died at the age of 70. The White House is declaring a national day of mourning to remember the man who created the TV character President Bush has strived to emulate in every aspect of his public and private life.

Gilligan's Dead IV
Bob Denver has died at the age of 70. President Bush is snapping into action by nominating John Roberts to replace Denver at all future Gilligan's Island reunion shows and personal appearances.

Top 5 Best Ways to Mourn Bob Denver

5) Watch every episode of "Gilligan's Island" in one sitting, something that will make you feel better and get you accepted to N.C. State

4) Eat food only made from coconuts for a week

3) Call a press conference and angrily blame his death on FEMA

2) Show up to work wearing bucket cap, orange shirt, and tight bell-bottoms for a month

1) Get a bunch of drunk and self-destructive TV network executives to agree to do a reality show based on "Gilligan's Island"... oh wait, someone's already done that!

Barbara Bush Comments
Former First Lady Barbara Bush says she believes conditions at the Houston Astrodome are better than what the people forced out of New Orleans were used to before the storm. Of course, that's because Mrs. Bush assumed they were all slaves before the hurricane hit.

Blame Game
President Bush says there will be ample time to play the blame game when the rescue effort in New Orleans is done... and when Karl Rove has had a few more weeks to find a way to blame this on the Democrats.

Spirit of New Orleans
Experts worry that even if New Orleans is physically rebuilt, the spirit of the city will never be the same... which is the nice way of saying New Orleans has gone from a town of happy drunks to a town of angry drunks.

Rehnquist Casket
Several of Chief Justice William Rehnquist's former law clerks acted as pallbearers yesterday as they brought his coffin to lie in state at the U.S. Capitol. The job of carrying the casket was especially hard as FEMA Director Michael Brown was hiding in the coffin along with Rehnquist's body.

Lance and Sheryl
Lance Armstrong popped the question to girlfriend Sheryl Crow on Monday. Crow says she has agreed to marry Armstrong, pending the results of a steroid test.

Saturn's Rings
Astronomers say there's evidence that Saturn's rings are changing in appearance and structure. Democrats blame global warming.