Top 5 Things President Bush is Doing in the Wake of Hurricane Katrina

5) Deploying an additional 10,000 troops… to look for Iraqi WMD’s in the floodwaters

4) Sending an emergency $1 billion to Exxon and Chevron executives exhausted from raising gas prices 20 times in the last 4 days

3) Betting what’s left of the national treasury against the Saints in the season opener

2) Having all his writers cross out the word “terrorists” and replacing it with the word “hurricanes” in all his speeches from now on

1) Calling all his old National Guard buddies to reminisce about all the hard work they did like this in the 60’s… just kidding!

Katrina Shelters
Most of the hurricane refugees trapped in terrible conditions at the New Orleans Superdome are being moved to the Astrodome in Houston. Experts believe this will help the victims get the food and water they need, but they still won’t be able to win an NFL playoff game.

Katrina Troops
After some delays, President Bush is now enthusiastically sending as many National Guard troops to the Hurricane zone as possible. The President had a change of heart when he realized sending them to a devastated area filled with death and despair is the perfect training for their next assignment in Iraq!

Hastert’s Assessment
Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert says people bent on rebuilding New Orleans are showing signs of “stubbornness.” But they still aren’t as stubborn as the voters who re-elect stooges like Dennis Hastert to Congress every two years.

Aruba Suspect Hearing
The 18-year-old Dutch suspect in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway may be released from jail. Aruban police believe this is the best time to set him free, now that American cable news watchers finally realize the difference between a real story and a time-killer on Nancy Grace.

Byrd to Run Again
87-year-old Senator Robert Byrd will run for a 9th term in 2006. Byrd vows to stay in office until the U.S. withdraws from Iraq, or he runs through all of Strom Thurmond’s remaining supply of adult diapers, whichever comes first.