Gaza Evacuations
After days of tough confrontations and emotional scenes, the forced evacuation of Jewish settlers from Gaza is almost complete. It’s clear now that the only tougher people to evacuate are New Yorkers with rent-controlled apartments.

Rocket Attack Arrests
Jordanian officials have quickly arrested some suspects after terrorists in that country fired two rockets at a pair of U.S. naval ships but missed by a mile. It was actually easy to make the arrests; authorities just had to look for the only people in Jordan who had played for the Knicks.

Box Office Hit
The new comedy, “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” was tops at the box office this weekend. Coming in second was a documentary about Supreme Court Justice David Souter… that’s called “The 60-Year-Old Virgin.”

Saddam The Martyr?
In a letter to his family, Saddam Hussein has offered to be a “martyr” for Palestine… which is no big deal since all the reporters at the BBC promised to do that years ago.

Mistaken Killing
New reports now say that the Brazilian man mistakenly killed by British agents during rush hour on the London subway last month was not acting suspiciously and was actually walking very slowly. Of course people walking slowly during rush hour on the New York City subway are usually killed by the other commuters.

Laptop Textbooks
An Arizona high school is abolishing all textbooks in favor of laptop computers in every classroom. The local school board had no trouble getting the funding, the only hard part was finding a way to block out all web sites that mentioned evolution or condoms.

Manning Hurt
New York Giants starting quarterback Eli Manning may have developed an injury that could keep him sidelined for most of the season. Well, that’s all well and good for him, but how can the rest of us New Yorkers avoid having to watch the Giants for the next 19 weeks?

Top 5 Things Overheard During Pope Benedict’s Visit to the Cologne Synagogue

5) “Hey, nice Yarmulke!”

4) “Pope, schmope, at least he could’ve brought a decent bottle of schnapps”

3) “Sorry, Your Holiness, but that’s the Holy Ark, not a confessional”

2) “In your honor, we’re going to sing Adon Olom to the tune of ‘Ave Maria’”

1) “When the Rabbi’s sermon is finally over, we send white smoke out of the chimney”