Gaza Pullout Moving Along
Despite fears for the worst, Israeli troops say they are having little trouble clearing most of the remaining Jewish settlers out of Gaza. Apparently, most of the settlers have been agreeing to leave peacefully as soon as they are given new jobs at tourist-trap electronics stores in Times Square.

Top 5 Reasons the Kansas City Royals Have Lost 18 in a Row

5) Rafael Palmeiro took all their steroids

4) Running the bases in the summer is really tiring!

3) Players have been depressed ever since Brad and Jen broke up

2) They don’t want to start winning and make George Steinbrenner mad

1) The only more inept group in America works in the White House, and they don’t get paid as much!

Ohio Governor Charged
Ohio Governor Bob Taft has been charged with accepting dozens of free gifts, including professional hockey tickets. Taft is denying he did anything wrong, especially since these days, professional hockey tickets are absolutely worthless.

Heroin Deaths
New York City police believe six recent deaths may be linked to a tainted batch of heroin. Democratic city council members are responding by demanding that Mayor Bloomberg provide all New Yorkers with some better heroin.

ABA Lauds Roberts
The American Bar Association has given Supreme Court nominee John Roberts an impressive “well qualified” rating… not because he’s a great judge, but because he always overcharged his clients when he was in private practice.

ABA Lauds Roberts II
The American Bar Association has given Supreme Court nominee John Roberts an impressive “well qualified” rating… of course, that’s only impressive to the three people who still think it actually takes intelligence and decency to be a lawyer in America these days.

Unhappy T.O. Returns
Terrell Owens has returned to Philadelphia Eagles training camp, but he’s still complaining about the team non-stop. In other words, he's acting just like an Eagles fan.