Pirro vs. Hillary
Republican state prosecutor Jeanine Pirro has announced her decision to run against Hillary Clinton for the Senate in 2006. Usually when Hillary is challenged by another woman, it’s because she’s sleeping with her husband.

Jennings Dies
Long-time ABC World News Tonight anchorman Peter Jennings has died. Although he was only 67, he still outlived network news by about five years.

Jennings Successor
With the death of Peter Jennings, ABC news executives will now retire to a secret conclave from which they will not emerge until they choose a successor. We’ll know they’ve made their choice when we can see a white, male anchor ascending to the roof of ABC headquarters in Lincoln Square.

Oil for Food Charges
Former UN “Oil for Food” program chief Benon Sevan has been charged with taking bribes. Investigators say they always suspected Sevan since he was the only UN official who had actually paid his New York City parking tickets.

Left at the Filling Station
A Macedonian man left his wife at an Italian service station yesterday, and only realized he had driven off without her six hours later. Had this happened in America, everyone would have just assumed he had left his wife at the gas station as a down payment.

Energy Bill Signed
President Bush says the new energy bill he just signed into law will take many years to show any positive effects… except for oil company executives, who plan to spend their free government money on new houses and mistresses right away.

War Criminal Found
A top Bosnian Serb war crimes suspect, indicted by a U.N. tribunal for some of the worst atrocities in the Bosnian war, was arrested Monday in Argentina. He was found living near the home once occupied by Adolf Eichman in Buenos Aires’ famous “fugitive war criminals district.”