Bad Landing
All 309 passengers on a Paris-to-Toronto Air France jet escaped the blazing wreckage after a landing accident yesterday. It's not clear if the passengers are grateful because they safely escaped the burning jet, or because they safely escaped from France.

Bad Landing II
The 309 passengers and crew who survived yesterday's crash are all thankful now, but most of them will wish they were dead after they're asked to do 500 interviews on all the cable TV networks over the next 24 hours.

Fahd Funeral
Saudi Arabia's King Fahd was buried yesterday outside Riyadh. The funeral took longer than expected because every time they dug a new grave they struck oil.

Iranian Nukes
Iran is considering delaying its nuclear weapons program. Iranian leaders are beginning to wonder why they need nukes when they're already killing plenty of Americans with these gas prices.

Jen Bashes Brad
Jennifer Aniston is criticizing her estranged husband Brad Pitt, saying he has a "sensitivity chip missing"... not unlike the acting chip she’s been missing all her life.

CAFTA Signed
President Bush signed the Central American Free Trade Agreement yesterday, praising it as a way for the people of Central America to finally get access to more U.S. goods… because there are just so many Hondurans dying to pay $65 for the same Polo shirts they were paid 6 cents an hour to make in the first place.

Bolton's First Day
New U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. John Bolton seemed to be getting off on the right foot when he appeared to present his credentials to Secretary General Kofi Anan yesterday... but actually he was handing him a bill for all his unpaid New York City parking tickets.

CNOOC Drops Bid
China's government-owned oil giant CNOOC has dropped it's bid to buy an American oil company, saying resistance to the deal in the U.S. Congress was "regrettable and unjustified.” Regrettable because it could lead to Asian-bashing, and unjustified because they were willing to pay-off all the Congressmen in cash.