Monday, July 25, 2005

Bombing Evidence
British police say last Thursday's would-be bombers used plastic kitchen storage containers to hold their explosive devices. From now on, all Pakistani men found at Tupperware parties will be arrested immediately.

Union Split
As expected, the Teamsters and the SEIU split off from the AFL-CIO yesterday... leaving Democratic politicians in the tough position of now having to make empty promises to three unions instead of one.

Sony Stops Payola
Sony Music has agreed to stop paying radio stations to play their artists' music. Sony will, however, continue to offer full refunds and psychiatric counseling to anyone who buys an Ashlee Simpson CD.

Sony Stops Payola II
Sony Music has agreed to stop paying radio stations to play their artists' music. Sony made the decision so its executives can focus on more important things, like bribing their Congressmen.

NYC Mass Transit
Special Advisory to Tourists: In an effort to beat the heat and to avoid being stopped and searched, most New York City subway riders are now commuting naked.

Top 5 Heatwave Survival Tips for New Yorkers

5) Spend 5 minutes in Bill and Hillary Clinton's bedroom

4) If it's humanly possible, don't exert yourself anymore than the average city employee

3) Avoid the rising and setting sun by dumping murdered corpses in the Hudson River in the morning; East River in the afternoon

2) Cool off and get some needed sleep at the same time by going to see "The Island"

1) Drink as many fluids as you possibly can; continue to urinate on city streets as you see fit

No Roberts Fight?
It looks like Senate Democrats will not try to filibuster the vote on John Roberts' nomination to the Supreme Court. That means the millions of dollars Republicans would have used for attack ads on TV can now be used for the Karl Rove legal defense fund.


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