New Leak Firing Rules
President Bush now says he'll only fire the leak in his administration if it turns discussing the information was a criminal act. White House staffers are confused by the new rules, because if it weren't for criminal acts, none of them would have their jobs in the first place!

Top 5 Real Ways to Get Fired at the White House

5) Forget to bow when Dick Cheney walks by

4) Make President Bush go to bed without reading him Where’s Waldo

3) Commit a crime... (but only if that crime gets someone other than a liberal journalist thrown in prison)

2) Talk about the economy, Iraq, gas prices, the deficit, divided America, low approval ratings... Hell, anything other than sports and Jesus, and you're fired!

1) Agree to write jokes for Laura at the next correspondent's dinner

Rudolph Sentenced
Eric Rudolph has been sentenced to life in prison for bombing two abortion clinics and a gay club. If he weren't going to jail, he'd be the religious right's top pick to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court!

Meth Warning
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says that methamphetamines are now a more dangerous drug in the United States than marijuana. Hell Alberto, aspirin is a more dangerous drug than marijuana!

Gotti Jr. Speaks
In his first interview from prison, John Gotti Junior says his greatest fear is that his children will follow him into a life of crime... well, that and them doing a really lousy reality show like his sister's kids.

Sharpton Calls for Calm
The Rev. Al Sharpton is called on angry Los Angeles residents to have patience while authorities investigate the death of a 19-month-old toddler killed by the LAPD during a shootout with her father. Sharpton is hoping people will stay calm while investigators conduct a thorough probe, the family mourns, and everyone else tries to figure out what the Hell Al Sharpton has to do with this case.

Girlie Mag Arrest
Authorities in Florida are sending a parolee back to jail because he had a copy of Maxim magazine at his home, and that violated the rules of his parole disallowing possession of sexually arousing materials. In a related story, California police are busted Michael Jackson for having a copy of Highlights at the Neverland Ranch.

Pompeii Artifacts
Recently discovered cups and platters from a home in the ruined city of Pompeii are going on display at a Roman museum this week. Archaeologists are still trying to figure out if this was the family's "good" china, or just the crap they dragged out when the people who gave it to them as a wedding gift came to dinner.

Indian Visit
President Bush hosted Prime Minister Manmohan Singh of India at the White House yesterday. After a short meeting, Bush agreed to closer cooperation between the U.S. and India in trade and technology, and Singh agreed not to insist that Bush pronounce his full name correctly.

Indian Visit II
President Bush and Prime Minister Manmohan Singh of India agreed to continued cooperation between their two nations at the White House yesterday: We will continue to get India's support in the struggle to check China's growing military strength, and India will continue to get all of our good jobs.