Top 5 Reasons Why Chief Justice Rehnquist Can’t Make up His Mind About Retirement

5) Doesn’t want to step down before he finds out if Bush will replace Sandra Day O’Connor with another “hot chick”

4) Wants to wait to see if NBC will have anything worth watching this fall

3) If the Nationals make the playoffs, will he still get good seats if he’s an ex-Justice?

2) Every day he waits, his house in Georgetown goes up in value by 10%

1) Three words: “Chief Justice Thomas”

Rove-Bush I
As evidence mounts that Karl Rove leaked CIA agent Valerie Plame’s name to the news media, there are doubts whether President Bush will carry out his promise to fire anyone found to have leaked classified information. But that’s only because it was Karl Rove who told him to make that promise.

Rove-Bush II
As evidence mounts that Karl Rove leaked CIA agent Valerie Plame’s name to the news media, there are doubts whether President Bush will carry out his promise to fire anyone found to have leaked the CIA operative's identity. That’s because without Rove, Bush would be left without a political strategist, a friend, and someone nice to tuck him in at night and tell him he’s a really, really good president.

Rove Clearance
In light of the allegations against Rove, some Senators have called on President Bush to shut him out of classified meetings… but if Rove isn’t there, who will let President Bush in?

Rove News Media
The news media is jumping on the Karl Rove/White House leak story with gusto. CBS wants to know if Rove committed a crime, the New York Times hopes to discover whether he was the only informant, and MSNBC wants to find out if Rove knows where that girl in Aruba is too.

Moorestown #1
Money Magazine chose Moorestown, New Jersey as the best city in America to live. Moorestown has great schools, clean streets, and, since it’s the home of Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, you know the population isn’t too competitive.

Hillary Chastised
Mad Magazine editors are joining leading Republicans as they blast Hillary Clinton for comparing President Bush to Mad’s mascot, Alfred E. Neuman. The magazine says there’s a big difference between Neuman, who is just a goofy-looking, know-nothing, child figurehead, and President Bush, who is a goofy-looking, know-nothing adult figurehead.

Gas Prices
Gas prices are getting so high, Karl Rove actually made all his illegal leaks to the press while riding his bicycle to work today.

Gas Prices II
Gas prices are so high now that hookers in Manhattan are actually charging less for a fill-up than the local Exxon station!

Gas Prices III
Gas prices are so high now that the only people driving fast anymore are the ones trying to get away from Tom Cruise.

Rogers to Play
Despite his recent 20-game suspension for attacking a cameraman, Texas Rangers Pitcher Kenny Rogers is playing in the Major League Baseball All-Star Game. Rogers will be taking the injured Barry Bonds’ angry, violent, child-like player spot in the lineup.

No Bonds
Barry Bonds will not be playing in this year’s Major League Baseball All-Star Game. This could mean a low scoring game, weak TV ratings, and the stadium’s steroid concession will likely have a very slow night.