No NYC Olympics
The bad news is New York City didn’t get the 2012 Summer Olympic Games. The good news is all illegal steroids are now selling on the streets of Manhattan for half price!

London Gets Olympics
London beat out favorite Paris and has been awarded the 2012 Summer Games. But as a consolation prize, the Olympic Committee will let French President Jacques Chirac cater all the events.

Top 5 Real Reasons New York Didn't Get the Olympics

5) Marathoners were worried they'd be run over by cab drivers from rival countries

4) 2-week rentals of tiny 1-room Olympic village apartments would have cost $17,000 each

3) Like the rest of us, all those Jets fans really frightened the Olympic committee

2) 300,000 foreign tourists + City laws against smoking in bars = riot!

1) City politicians didn't want to be distracted from tirelessly working on more important things like education, jobs... and who are we kidding?

Bush Taps Thompson
President Bush has tapped former Senator and "Law and Order" star Fred Thompson to help guide his eventual Supreme Court nominee through the confirmation process. Thompson vows to work just as hard at this task as does on the set of "Law and Order;" which means he'll spend about two minutes a week on the job.

Miller to Jail
After she again refused to reveal her confidential source, a federal judge sent New York Times reporter Judith Miller to jail yesterday. This means NBC executives are now working on a new reality show for Miller to host when she gets out.

Bush Collision
President Bush suffered minor injuries yesterday when he accidentally crashed his mountain bike into a British security guard. The White House is shocked by the incident, especially since the bike still had training wheels.

Bush Collision II
President Bush suffered minor injuries yesterday when he accidentally crashed his mountain bike into a British security guard. The White House is working hard to come up with documents proving the guard was actually an Iranian.

L'il Kim in the Big House
Rapper L'il Kim has been sentenced to a year in prison; a sure sign that her CD sales will increase right away. People living in Young MC's neighborhood are hoping he never figures this out.

Rogers Apologizes
Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers apologized to fans and the TV cameraman he attacked for losing his temper. The cameraman says he'll forgive Rogers, and all he wants in return is his autograph... on a blank check.