Live 8 Results
The Live 8 concerts successfully convinced the world that more needs to be done to properly educate the needy, efficiently feed the hungry, and adequately clothe Mariah Carey.

Live 8 Results II
Organizers say the Live 8 concerts and appeals have clearly changed attitudes in the world’s Western countries about the need to do everything possible to feed the hungry people of Africa. In other news, Takeru Kobayashi of Japan won his fifth consecutive Nathan’s hot-dog eating title yesterday by downing 49 frankfurters in 12 minutes!

Live 8 Results III
The musical acts that performed at the Live 8 concerts are already seeing big boosts in CD sales. But they’re not doing as well as the stores selling arthritis medication to the members of Pink Floyd and The Who.

Deep Impact Crash
The Deep Impact spacecraft smashed into a comet yesterday. The crash delighted NASA scientists, mostly because the spacecraft’s collision insurance doesn’t include a deductible.

Stram Dies
Hall of Fame NFL coach Hank Stram died yesterday at the age of 82. His hairpiece remains in stable condition.