SPECIAL REMINDER!!! I GO NATIONAL STARTING MONDAY AS THE BILL PRESS SHOW LAUNCHES ON SIRIUS SATELLITE RADIO!! I'LL BE PERFORMING MY OWN MATERIAL AS THE "ROVING REPORTER" ON THE SCENE OF THE BIGGEST STORIES! HERE'S SOME INFO ON HOW YOU CAN LISTEN TO THE SHOW ON SIRIUS OR ON YOUR COMPUTER: The Bill Press Show

Rehnquist Quitting?
Despite his age and failing health, Chief Justice William Rehnquist is not expected to announce his retirement later today. Experts say Rehnquist will stay on the job until he can be sure President Bush isn’t going to screw with Social Security.

Top 5 Real Reasons Chief Justice Rehnquist Won’t Retire

5) Has to get Scalia’s permission first

4) With these gas prices, this just isn’t the time to lose that taxpayer funded limo service

3) Still hasn’t “shown his briefs” to Sandra Day O’Connor, know what I mean?

2) At 80-years-old and stricken with cancer, the only other job he’s qualified for is U.S. Senator

1) Would you want to let President Bush replace you?

Graham Crusade
Bill Clinton joined the Rev. Billy Graham onstage at his crusade in New York City this weekend. The two men have a lot in common physically; Graham has been suffering for years from fluid on the brain, and Clinton suffered for years from fluid on the dress.

Top 5 Things “Bibleman” Said at this Weekend’s Billy Graham Crusade

5) “Why yes, that is the book of Deuteronomy in my pants… but I am glad to see you.”

4) “After this I’m going to the Gay Pride march… and I won’t even have to change my clothes!”

3) “God wants you to be kind, obey your parents, and buy my new DVD.”

2) “There’s nothing Satan fears more than a man in Spandex!”

1) “Pray for me children, my next gig is at the Neverland Ranch.”

Gay Pride-Bloomberg
At today’s New York City gay pride parade, Mayor Bloomberg touted his work for the gay rights movement. He specifically cited his efforts to get better housing for men in tight pants who like to shower together… oh wait, that was actually his campaign to get a West Side stadium for the Jets.

Aruba Suspects
Police in Aruba released two of the five suspects in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway. There's no word on whether the authorities will ever free the other people still imprisoned by this case, which include the three other suspects and all of America’s cable news viewers.

Gray Angry
Former FBI chief L. Patrick Gray is finally speaking out about the revelation that his former deputy, Mark Felt, was Deep Throat. Gray says he feels angered and betrayed, not because Felt leaked the key information in the Watergate scandal, but because he’s hogging all the really good book and movie deals to himself.