Newsday Alert!! I was back in the "Punchlines" column in Thursday's Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday


PBS Funding Restored
Congress has decided not to pull $100 million in funding from PBS after all. Anti-gay Republican leaders changed their minds when they heard the lack of money would have forced Elmo to move in with Ernie and Bert.

Supreme Court-Property
Conservative justices on the Supreme Court have lost their fight to keep the government from seizing private property. But they continue to fight for private citizens who seize public property, like they did when they let George W. Bush take the White House 5 years ago.

Rumsfeld Refusal
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld says he won't set a date for a withdrawal from Iraq because the "terrorists would see it as a lifeline"... kind of like the way American citizens see the day President Bush leaves office as a lifeline.

Top 5 Reasons Donald Rumsfeld Won't Resign

5) Can't step down until he finds Osama bin Laden, WMD's, and a more natural-looking hair gel.

4) Halliburton needs at least two more wars to meet its profit target.

3) Working at the Pentagon is a good way to avoid the impending draft.

2) Three words: "Army-issued Viagra."

1) Actually does want to leave, but he still can't find his car in the Pentagon parking lot

Killen Sentenced
For his role in the 1964 "Mississippi Burning" murders, Edgar Ray Killen has been sentenced to 60 years in prison. Killen is delighted with the sentence because now he becomes the 80-year-old in America who doesn't have to worry about affording his prescription medication.

Reality Show Union
The writers for several leading reality shows are trying to form a union. This is shocking leading TV executives, who were certain no one would want to publicly admit they write for "Fear Factor."

Lose Dixie
Southern supermarket chain Winn-Dixie announced yesterday that it's cutting 2,200 jobs. The company blames it's higher operating costs on stiff competition, higher produce prices, and the abolition of slavery.

African American Drug
The FDA has approved the first prescription drug made for black men only. Actually, when you consider how much each bottle is probably going to cost, the drug is made for rich black men only.