Verdict Split
Just as the O.J. Simpson verdict showed how divided America truly was along racial lines, Michael Jackson's acquittal is highlighting deep contrasts in American society. The people who are unhappy with the verdict tend to be white and middle class, and the people happy with the verdict tend to be mentally ill.

Jackson Changes
Michael Jackson's lawyer says the pop star will no longer allow young boys into his bedroom. Luckily for Jackson, the Neverland Ranch is home to the only roller coaster on earth with a sleeper car.

Jackson Changes II
Jackson attorney Thomas Mesereau says the pop star will make major changes in his lifestyle to avoid similar charges in the future. First and foremost, Jackson will now only molest mute orphans.

Top 5 Things You Didn't Know about the conservative Heritage Foundation's Summer Intern Program

5) Intern dorm has a free-market infirmary; the highest-bidder gets treated first!

4) No one gets dinner until they wash up, dress appropriately, and show counselors two angry letters about Hillary Clinton they've written to the Wall Street Journal editorial page

3) Latest field trip took the interns to a national park, where they put up commercial billboards and planted tobacco seeds

2) In the cafeteria, interns are required to buy government surplus cheese at what would have been its fair market price

1) Tonight's fun activity: "Meet Your First non-Christian Conservative!"

Phil Jackson's Back
The Lakers re-hired their ex-coach Phil Jackson yesterday. To prepare himself for coaching Kobe Bryant again, Jackson is planning on driving ten five-year-olds across the country in a minivan.

Deserter Returns
Charles Jenkins, who deserted his army unit in Korea in the 60's, is back in the United States for the first time in 40 years. As soon as he arrived at the airport, Jenkins was offered a job in the Bush administration.

Double Winner
Pennsylvania's Donna Goeppert, who won $1 million in the state's scratch-off lottery earlier this year, has beaten the odds and won ANOTHER $1 million from a separate scratch-off ticket she bought this week. The second win is giving Goeppert more financial security, more freedom, and a spot next to President Bush in the encyclopedia's entry for "dumb luck."

Double Winner II
A Pennsylvania woman who won $1 million in the state's scratch-off lottery earlier this year has beaten the odds and won ANOTHER $1 million from a separate scratch-off ticket she bought this week. Call me crazy, but I have a lot of ideas about what I'd do if I won a million dollar scratch-off lottery... and one of them ISN'T to buy more scratch-off lottery tickets!

Double Victim
On the other end of the spectrum, there's 42-year-old Fernando Castro of New York whose car collided with an ambulance and then he was hit by a cab after he stumbled from the wreck. Of course the only real difference between Castro and the double lotto winner is he'll have to wait until his personal injury case is settled before he collects his $2 million.

Schwarzenegger Ballot
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is ordering a statewide special election this November in hopes of weakening the legislature and adding more power to the Governor's office. But President Bush is secretly telling Schwarzenegger that he can get all those added powers simply by declaring war on Nevada.

Microsoft China Censorship
Bowing to government pressure, Microsoft's new Internet service in China is censoring words such as "freedom," "democracy" and "human rights" on its online journals. Of course the censorship program was easy to write because Microsoft employees have been banned from using those terms for the last 20 years.

Gitmo Costs
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld says the cost of keeping Guantanamo Bay prison open is $95 million a year. That's $1 million for food and shelter, and $94 million to pay for the plumbers to fix all the toilets clogged with copies of the Koran.

Gitmo's Future
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld says Guantanamo Bay prison will stay open until the war on terror is over... or until he and President Bush are finally charged with war crimes, whichever comes first.

Porn Republican
Porn star Mary Carey attended last night's $2,500-a-plate Republican fundraiser headlined by President Bush in Washington. It's the first time there was someone at a Republican fundraiser who'd degraded herself more than the actual politicians.