NEWSDAY ALERT!! I was back in Thursday's "Punchlines" column in Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Top 5 Reasons Deliberations in the Michael Jackson Case are Taking So Long

5) Panel first has to decide whether Jackson is a man or a woman, White or Black, human or alien

4) Jurors still getting over massive bouts of nausea caused by looking at the defendant for hours every day

3) It's hard to discuss a trial when everyone is so busy negotiating their post-trial book deals

2) They spend hours a day just looking out the window and laughing at all the crazed Jackson fans

1) Joe Jackson keeps bursting into the jury room yelling, "Where's my son at?!?"

Bolton Delay
Senate Democrats say they’ll continue to block the vote on UN Ambassador-nominee John Bolton until the White House gives them documents they’ve requested on Bolton’s conduct. But the White House is reminding those Senators that forging those kinds of documents takes time.

Patriot Act Campaign
President Bush was in Ohio yesterday, trying to gain support for extending the Patriot Act. Bush credited the act for helping to catch terrorists, secure U.S. borders, and keep thousands of Democrats from voting in Columbus last November.

Crowe Worried
After attacking a New York City hotel worker with a phone, Russell Crowe admits he’s worried his temper and abusive behavior may ruin his career. But if his acting opportunities dry up, he’s sure to get hired as a guard at Guantanamo Bay.

Bloomberg Wedding
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s is throwing a lavish wedding party for his daughter at his home in Westchester County tomorrow. He wanted to have the reception on the West Side of Manhattan, but Sheldon Silver wouldn’t allow it.

Greenspan’s Take
Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan told Congress yesterday that inflation is not a problem. That statement proves Greenspan doesn’t drive a car, doesn’t shop for food, and doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.

UN Anti-Semitism
The U.S. House of Representatives has overwhelmingly passed a resolution urging the United Nations to address anti-Semitism and anti-Israel policies. UN leaders say they're willing to address the issue, but they don't think they can possibly be any more anti-Semitic and anti-Israel than they already are.

Helms Apologetic
In his new autobiography, former North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms apologizes for his harsh stance against AIDS sufferers in the past, but not for his position against segregation. That’s because lots of AIDS sufferers are white.

Annan on Poverty
UN Secretary General Kofi Annan is declaring a worldwide war on poverty. He’s calling on all the world’s richest nations to boost aid to poorer countries, ease trade sanctions, and teach poor people how to run their own oil-for-food scams.