Top 5 Problems at the National Spelling Bee

5) Michael Jackson keeps trying to personally console the losers

4) Mafia figures rumored to be fixing the tournament

3) Dan Quayle is one of the judges

2) Red State Christian kids refusing to spell the scientific words

1) Paula Abdul is sleeping with 5 contestants

Spelling Bee
The National Spelling Bee competition is going on now in Washington, DC. Usually, the only place you see hundreds of stressed-out 9-to-14 year-olds competing for thousands of dollars is the Neverland Ranch.

Dukes of Hazzard Job
Country Music Television is paying a man $100,000 a year to watch re-runs of the "Dukes of Hazzard." U.S. taxpayers are paying President Bush $400,000 a year to do essentially the same thing.

Top 5 Other Nicknames the Washington Post Considered for Deep Throat

5) The Nixon-erator

4) Chesty LaRue

3) Secret Santa

2) The Vast Larynx

1) The Little Birdie

Gitmo Denials
President Bush, Vice President Cheney, and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld are strongly denying Amnesty International's reports of human rights violations against prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. But that's only because they don't consider the prisoners to be human beings.

Gitmo a Gulag?
Amnesty International is comparing Guantanamo Bay to the Soviet-era Gulags were people with threatening political views were forced to do slave labor for no pay. The truth is that people in the United States with threatening political views are forced to work long hours for no pay at "Air America."

President Jeb?
Former President George H.W. Bush says he'd like his son Jeb to run for President one day. Not because he's the most qualified candidate, but because Jeb is more likely than anyone else to issue George W. the pardon he's going to be needing as soon as he leaves office.