Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Trump University
Donald Trump says his new business school, Trump University, will issue no real degrees and offer no real classes. Apparently the idea came from the same people who made his hair.

Top 5 Classes Offered at the New Trump University (originally posted August 27, 2004)

5) Pre-nup economics

4) Comb-over geometry

3) Swedish for guys who want to date models

2) The history of trophy wives

1) The ego, superego, and Trump ego

Viagra Medicare
A new study shows that federal funds are being used to help convicted rapists and child molesters buy Viagra. It's the most public money spent to help sex offenders commit more crimes since they built a private office in the White House for Bill Clinton.

Afghan Crops
The U.S. says it wants to help Afghanistan get its poppy farmers to plant pomegranates and honeydew melons instead. The farmers say they're willing to try that, as soon as someone tells them how to take pomegranates and honey dew melons and convert them into an addictive, inject-able liquid.

Pilot Punished (for my fan or fans at the FAA)
The pilot who almost got shot down by U.S. Air Force jets after drifting over restricted airspace in Washington, DC earlier this month has had his license revoked. He can reapply after one year... or after he gets all the stains out of his flight pants, whichever comes first.

Top 5 Punishment Jobs for the D.C. Airspace Scare Pilot (also for my fan or fans at the FAA)

5) One year of duty as private pilot for Rosie O'Donnell

4) Afghan poppy crop duster

3) Baghdad Airport baggage handler

2) United Airlines pension fund finder

1) Air Force target shooting training dummy

Wedding Costs
A new study says the cost of the average wedding has soared to more than $26,300. The first $20,000 is spent just filling up the gas tank in the bride's limo.

Computer Course Enrollment Down
The number of undergraduates signing up for computer degrees is down 10% from last year. But that's only because those courses are mostly taught in Chinese and Hindi.

Bobby Brown's Posse
Two men in singer Bobby Brown's entourage were hospitalized for knife wounds after a fight at a restaurant yesterday. Police immediately cleared Brown of any connection with the crime because he only attacks women.

Beatty Slams Arnold
While delivering a graduation speech at UC Berkeley this weekend, actor Warren Beatty said he could do a better job than Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. But it's not clear if Beatty was talking about governing or groping.

Laura's Take
First Lady Laura Bush says she was not surprised by the near-riot that broke out while she visited Jerusalem this weekend adding that "people who are unaware that tensions in this region can be set off with the slightest provocation really aren't familiar with this region"... in other words, people like her husband.

Laura's Courage
First Lady Laura Bush says she was never frightened as a near-riot broke out while she visited the Dome of the Rock mosque in Jerusalem this weekend. That's because since it was a mosque, she knew there couldn't be any dangerous gay people around.

Excited Bear
Wildlife officials say the black bear that waded into a suburban Los Angeles pool was probably desperately looking for a mate. But why a hairy beast in heat was searching for love in a swimming pool and not the MGM studio lot is still unknown.

Spokane Mayor Staying On
Despite evidence that he tried to meet young men for sex over the Internet, Spokane Mayor Jim West is refusing to step down. West says if he really wanted to use political office for sexual pursuits, he would have run for Congress.

Desperate Housewives Season Finale
Most of the secrets were finally revealed on Sunday's "Desperate Housewives" finale. But viewers will just have to wait until next season to learn if the sexy plumber Mike will survive, if the cheating husband Rex is really dead, and if the trashy Nicolette Sheridan's body can survive anymore plastic surgery.

AIG Case
Indictments could be coming soon for several executives at AIG Insurance accused of accounting fraud. The judge in the case will face several challenges including sifting through confusing evidence, keeping the lawyers in check, and finding a jury with 12 actual people who won't want to sentence a bunch of insurance executives to death even before testimony begins.


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