Monday, May 16, 2005

Newsweek Retraction
Newsweek now admits its reports of Koran desecration cannot be confirmed. The Pentagon is responding by blasting the magazine for reporting things that didn't happen, and for not assigning those same reporters to the WMD story in Iraq.

Newsweek Retraction II
While Newsweek's decision to report stories of Koran desecration has set off huge protests in the Arab world, it's decision not to put the new Star Wars movie on the cover is setting off huge protests in the geek world.

Top 5 Other Newsweek Clarifications on its Guantanamo Story

5) Detainees forced to watch "American Idol," not "According to Jim"

4) Younger inmates not actually sent to Neverland Ranch

3) Web access is allowed, but only with annoying dial-up connection

2) Detainees actually consider monthly showers an unusual luxury

1) Inmates get decent meals, not like the ones our troops are getting from Halliburton

Chappelle Surfaces
A week after abruptly leaving the set of his hit show, comedian Dave Chappelle insists he's not crazy or addicted to drugs. Chappelle says he was simply "stressed out," and went to South Africa to find peace, quiet, and new ways to make fun of White people.

Top 5 Things Stressing Out Dave Chappelle

5) Having trouble avoiding millions crack addicts who want to attack him for making fun of them... and ask him for spare change

4) Sure he's got a $50 million contract, but he can't find a check cashing place that will handle that kind of money

3) Can't decide whether he it's still okay to do Rick James sketches now that he's dead

2) Greedy friends and associates keep wanting him to do outrageous things... like eat

1) Dennis Miller keeps begging him for a job

Pickup Seat Belts
A new report shows that people who drive pickup trucks wear seat belts less often than other drivers and have a much higher death rate in crashes. It's the first good news for the Democratic party in 9 years.

Putin's Oil-for-Food
A Senate panel now says it has proof that Russian President Vladimir Putin personally profited from the "oil-for-food" scandal at the U.N. Of course, it's still not clear if Putin profited as much as Dick Cheney has from the "war-for-oil" scandal in the U.S.

War College Threatened
The Army's War College in Pennsylvania may face relocation or cutbacks in the latest round of base closings. Experts say the institution is threatened by budget problems, space constraints, and the fact that the last 3 U.S. wars have been managed by idiots.


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