Top 5 Signs Your Military Base Will Be Closed
5) Sole purpose of your base is protecting the world's largest ball of twine

4) All the local brothels have already moved

3) Your base hasn't deterred an Indian attack since 1870

2) Your base commander is moonlighting as the night manager at Wal-Mart

1) Both your U.S. Senators are Democrats

Paula's Quest
Paula Abdul's revelation that she has been suffering from complex regional pain syndrome is finally giving the rare disease the recognition it deserves from the medical community. Insiders say this is working out much better than Abdul's first notion, which was to sleep with the entire medical community.

Wedding Slush Fund
Tennessee state Senator John Ford has been fined for spending $15,000 worth of campaign contributions on his daughter's wedding. But Ford insists it was okay to use the cash because just like his campaign contributors, his daughter knew she was about to get screwed.

Dennis Miller Canned
CNBC has canceled Dennis Miller's prime-time show due to low ratings, weak ad sales, and the fact that even Laura Bush now knows that making fun of President Bush can make you a hit.

Penthouse Changes
In a move to attract more upscale readers, Penthouse will no longer feature ads for phone sex, escort services and hardcore videos in the back of their magazines. But I thought all the sophisticated men read Penthouse for the articles!

Nolte's Caution I
Nick Nolte says he's turned down several invitations to visit the White House because he's a convicted felon and he doesn't believe the President should be with criminals. But the current administration just wants Nolte to come over so President Bush can see first-hand what would happen if he started drinking again.

Nolte's Caution II
Nick Nolte says he's turned down several invitations to visit the White House because he's a convicted felon and he doesn't believe the President should be with criminals. That stance now makes Nolte the nation's most powerful advocate for campaign finance reform.

Colonial Realism
Colonial Williamsburg is trying to boost sagging attendance by making the area more historically accurate. But the effort is backfiring, because in addition to serving authentic foods and speaking in 18th century English, officials have also removed all the park's toilet paper.

Condom Ads
Trojan is still lobbying the major networks to start running condom ads during prime-time. But FOX already uses primetime to show America the serious consequences of not using condoms every time it airs "The Simple Life."