Friday, May 06, 2005

Blair Re-Elected
Experts say Tony Blair's re-election has left the Prime Minister of Great Britain still in power, but genuinely hobbled.... which is something that happens to President Bush every time he holds a press conference.

Employment Report
274,000 Americans found new jobs in April... most of them joined the Michael Jackson legal defense team.

Top 5 Most Common New Jobs in America

5) Canadian prescription drug-runner

4) Star Wars movie line-holder

3) Guest star on one of the 1,300 "Law & Order" shows on TV

2) New York Yankees pitching coach

1) Runaway bride story-exploiter

Wilbanks Condition
According to her lawyer, runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks is "not well," and promises not to speak in public while she is seeking professional help. So why can't we get the same promise from Janeane Garafalo?

Top 5 Ways the Runaway Bride Will "Make Amends" to Her Town

5) Teach seminar on how to get FOX News to attack you personally even if you're not a Democrat

4) She'll personally eat all the hors d'oeuvres before they go bad on a special episode of "Fear Factor"

3) Show other women just how to get that perfect, hypnotized, "insane eyes" look in pictures

2) Will distribute free copies of her new book: "Albuquerque on Two Prozacs a Day"

1) Will help local politicians by blaming it all on gay marriage

Pope's Vacation
Pope Benedict XVI had planned to visit the papal summer residence outside of Rome this weekend. But he had to change his plans when he learned the place was actually a time share with the remaining members of The Village People.

Brad & Angelina's Noise
While vacationing together in Kenya, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie reportedly made so much noise while making love that the hotel staff thought it "sounded like someone being killed." But experts say the only thing being killed was Jennifer Aniston's career.

Embarrassing Tradition
The former Communist leader of Poland says that the most unpleasant part of his job was having to kiss the Communist leader of East Germany on the cheek, which was a socialist tradition. That's opposed to American leaders having to kiss Saudi leaders on the ass, which is a capitalist tradition.


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