Friday, April 29, 2005

Bush Press Conference
Political experts say President Bush failed to win many converts to his policies during last night's primetime news conference. But conservatives are still happy because the news conference was successful in preempting "Will & Grace."

Top 5 Things President Bush Will Do to Lower Gas Prices

5) Keep gas-guzzling stretch limos off the streets of San Francisco by banning gay marriage

4) When Tom DeLay is finally run out of Washington, make him take the train back to Texas

3) Will keep Cheney in the bunker 360 days out of the year instead of the usual 350 days out of the year

2) Won't schedule anymore primetime news conferences so Americans can feel safe staying home to watch TV

1) Tell the oil companies he won't start any more wars for them until 2007

New Budget
Congress has just passed a $2.6 trillion budget that calls for some of the biggest spending cuts in 8 years. The measure calls for a $10 billion reduction in Medicaid spending, a $3 billion trim in agricultural programs, and a $40 billion cutback in Tom DeLay's monthly hairspray allowance.

Social Security Investing
A new study shows that average Americans don't know enough about the markets to successfully invest their Social Security money. But that message is lost on George W. Bush, who didn't know enough about anything but he still got to be President!

NBA Overseas
McDonald's and the NBA are teaming up to promote an outreach program overseas known as "Basketball Without Borders." That's opposed to the product the NBA has been peddling domestically for the last 20 years which is known as "Children Without Fathers."

Texas Healthcare
A new study shows that Texas has the highest percentage of adults who don't have health insurance. But most Texans aren't worried, because they figure no doctor will refuse to treat a patient who's armed.

Microsoft Hires Reed
Microsoft is paying Christian Coalition founder Ralph Reed $20,000 a month as a consultant, triggering complaints that he may reverse the company's progressive policies. But Microsoft denies that, and insists it only hired Reed because it desperately wanted to bring someone in who looks geekier than Bill Gates.

Phony Story
Police say the Massachusetts men who became TV news sensations when they "found" money in their backyard, actually stole it from a neighbor. Of course, making media stars of people who steal other people's money is something the folks at CNBC do every time they interview a CEO.


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