NEW POPE SELECTED
The College of Cardinals selected Joseph Ratzinger to be the new Pope earlier today. But it took longer than expected for him to appear on the balcony at St. Peter's square because several corporations were still bidding for the new Pope's naming rights.

Top 5 Things Pope Benedict XVI Will Do Right Away

5) Put his new name on the National "Do Not Call List" before telemarketers start calling for "Mr. Benedict"

4) Get all out-of-town cardinals back home before they take any more stuff out of the hotel mini-fridges

3) Clear out St. Peter's square before it starts smelling any worse

2) Go drag racing in the Pope mobile

1) Call all the girls who dumped him and say, "You could have been Mrs. Benedict XVI, baby!"


Ratzinger's History
Jewish groups say they feel a kinship with the German-born Ratzinger because he was a strong anti-Nazi who deserted the German army. President Bush says he feels a kinship with Ratzinger simply because he was a deserter.

Ratzinger's History II
Ratzinger was Dean of the College of Cardinals for the last two and a half years. During his tenure as Dean, he clarified Church positions on homosexuality, women's rights, and broke up six rowdy Vatican fraternity parties before they got out of hand.

Choosing Ratzinger
The Cardinals say they chose Ratzinger because of his closeness to John Paul II, impressive scholarship, and because since he's 78, there's a good chance they'll all get this major media attention again in about five years or so.

Ratzinger Dream
By becoming Pope, Joseph Ratzinger has achieved a lifelong dream to lead the Church, commune with world leaders, and lose the crappy last name "Ratzinger."