Friday, April 15, 2005

Top 5 Things to Do if You Find a Finger in Your Meal at Wendy’s

5) Put it up for auction on eBay, but only if you can see the Virgin Mary’s face somewhere on the finger

4) Hold on to it for a few days so the serious news media can give the discovery the 24/7 coverage it so clearly deserves

3) Take advantage of Wendy’s generous settlement offer of free “Biggie Fries” for life

2) Say you actually found it in a Coke can… Coke has more money than Wendy’s

1) You might as well eat it; everything else at Wendy’s will definitely kill you

Operation Falcon
A one-day nationwide sweep called “Operation Falcon” has led to the capture of more than 10,000 wanted felons. The only other way to catch that many criminals at once is to arrest everyone at an Oakland Raiders game.

Water Warning
Doctors now say that athletes who drink too much water could be hurting their performance… but the warning is only for athletes who don’t want to dilute the steroids in their bloodstream.

Implants Okayed
In a surprise turnaround, the FDA is allowing some silicone breast implants to return to the market after a long ban. The FDA still admits the implants are dangerous, but they’re the only things they’ve approved in 13 years that don’t cause heart disease.

Ritchie Gone
Nicole Ritchie will not rejoin “The Simple Life” after three seasons of teaming up with Paris Hilton on the show. FOX says she’s no longer right for the series, not because of her falling out with Hilton, but because Ritchie is beginning to show some signs of functional intelligence.

Super Surrogate
An Arizona woman, who is serving as a surrogate mother for a couple, discovered that she is pregnant with quintuplets, and has refused to take money from the couple. That’s because she only has to give birth to them, she doesn’t have to take care of them.

Stanley Cup Suit
As the NHL lockout continues, a group of amateur hockey players is suing the league for the right to play for the Stanley Cup this season. But the NHL says the only amateurs who can play for the Cup are the New York Rangers.


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