Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Jennings Lung Cancer
ABC News anchor Peter Jennings announced he has lung cancer during last night's broadcast. But right wing bloggers are already contending that Jennings forged his x-rays.

Late Delivery
It turns out a Chinese food deliveryman who was thought to be missing, was stuck in a Manhattan apartment building elevator for four days. The man is okay, but the building's owner is charging him $1,500 rent.

Conclave Vote
The conclave to vote for a new Pope begins in 12 days. That gives Halliburton precious little time to try to pay all the cardinals off.

Top 5 Campaign Slogans Being Used by Papal Candidates

5) "Building a Bridge to the 1st Century"

4) "I Like Christ"

3) "Leave No Altar Boy Behind"

2) "Don't Stop Thinking about Eternity"

1) "Are you more infallible than you were four years ago?"

Conclave Rules
According to the rules governing the vote for the next Pope, no one over the age of 80 can participate. That's opposed to the U.S. Supreme Court, where no one under the age of 80 can participate.

Conclave Preparations
Space is being set up inside the Vatican for the College of Cardinals to begin the voting process. Church officials believe they have enough room for the 117 cardinals, but aren't so sure about the 500 Democratic and Republican advocacy lawyers who have shown up to make sure every ballot is counted.

Voting Strategy
117 cardinals are eligible to vote for the new pope. But the smart candidates will spend most of their time campaigning for the key votes from the cardinals from Florida and Ohio.

Agca Rejected
European authorities have rejected a request from Mehmet Ali Agca, the man who shot the Pope in 1981, to leave prison to attend the pontiff's funeral. But officials are willing to allow him to attend Prince Charles and Camilla's wedding.

Long Wait
The wait to get to see the Pope's body at the Vatican is now more than 20 hours... or about as long as it takes for the C train to show up on the New York City subway.

Senate Vote
The U.S. Senate voted 98-0 to pass a resolution honoring the late Pope. Of course, John Paul II still serves as an inspiration to most members of Congress who are also trying to use religion to gain absolute power.

Illegal Aliens & Social Security
A new report estimates that the Social Security system is getting $7 billion dollars a year that it won't have to pay back out, thanks to illegal immigrant workers. But that is offset by the $700 billion the richest Americans take out of the system, thanks to illegal foreign tax shelters.

New Recruiting Tactics
The Army is now personally visiting the parents of potential recruits in hopes of allaying their fears about sending their children to a war zone. The most successful tactic is when the recruiters show parents how much it would cost to send their kids to college.

New York City Spit
New York City is considering a $1,000 fine and up to a year in jail for fans who throw things or spit at sporting events. But legal experts say special exceptions will have to be made not to prosecute the thousands of people who routinely throw up at Mets games.

Ancient Discovery
Archaeologists in Germany believe two matching, 7,000 year-old, clay figures of a man and a woman having sex are the earliest examples of erotica. They know it was porn and not classical art because the two figurines were stuck together.


Post a Comment

<< Home