Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Jacko Ruling
Despite strong objections, the judge in the Michael Jackson case will allow testimony about past allegations of child abuse against the pop star. This could establish a pattern of misconduct, destroy Jackson's credibility, and help us all figure out what the Hell happened to Macaulay Culkin.

Iraqi Government Chaos
The Iraqi General Assembly is in chaos as the elected leaders cannot form a coalition government. But American Congressmen are rushing to the Iraqis' aid by loaning them some of the highly-paid lobbyists who always tell them what to do.

Top 5 Ways the Iraqi General Assembly Can Regain the Public's Confidence

5) Convene a series of hearings on steroid use in Major League Baseball

4) Propose new plan to defeat insurgent bombings with risky private investment accounts

3) Drop everything and find a brain-damaged patient's case to butt into

2) Hire expensive consulting firm to decide whether they should get a 5% or a 15% pay raise

1) Bring on the interns!

No Tsunami
Despite yesterday's 8.7 magnitude earthquake in Southeast Asia, so far, none of the signs of a massive tsunami are apparent --- the beaches are quiet, animals are calm, and MSNBC's ratings still suck.

Colorado Jury
Colorado's highest court is throwing out the sentence of a man who was given the death penalty because jurors consulted the Bible while reaching a verdict. The justices ruled that the only place where it's okay for people to use scripture to make bad decisions is the White House.

Greenberg Out
AIG is severing all ties with CEO Hank Greenberg as he remains under investigation for fraud. AIG shares are tumbling on the news as Wall Street is worried the insurance company won't find a new role model to show the employees how to cheat and steal.

Sleep Deprivation
A new study shows that most Americans aren't getting enough sleep. But doctors the problem won't get any better until we put someone else in the White House.

Ethics Scares
More banks and brokerage firms are firing employees for even minor ethics lapses in hopes of avoiding prosecution. Luckily, all the fired executives are finding jobs in Washington.

Laura Goes to Afghanistan
First Lady Laura Bush is on her way to Afghanistan to oversee programs aimed at granting women more civil rights in that country. Mrs. Bush's biggest piece of advice for women who want to be independent is not to marry a Republican.


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