Newsday Alert!!! I have TWO jokes in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday

AND FOR MY JEWISH READERS... be sure to pick up the latest edition of The Jewish Week, where you can find the Purim Spoof section that I contributed to. Here is the link to the online version: Purim Spoof

Supreme Court Rejection
The U.S. Supreme Court has just decided not to hear the Terry Schiavo appeal. The court says it doesn't want to get involved at this point, and is too busy considering the appeal for another re-vote on "American Idol."

Schiavo Custody
Florida Governor Jeb Bush is pushing for a plan that would give the government legal custody of Terry Schiavo. Of course there already is a branch of the government that has legal custody of most Americans... it's called the IRS.

Schiavo Poll
A new poll shows that 87% of Americans don't think members of Congress really care what happens to Terry Schiavo. But the other 13% who thought they do care mistakenly thought Schiavo was a hot new intern.

Kyrgyzstan Protest
Protesters in the central Asian nation of Kyrgyzstan have seized the former Soviet republic's seat of government and forced the country's longtime president to flee his office. The demonstrators are demanding democracy, jobs, and a new name for their country that's easier to pronounce.

NYC Super Bowl
The NFL has officially chosen New York City as the site of the 2010 Super Bowl. The league felt the city was the perfect place for the game because of its hotels, restaurants, and large number of women willing to show their boobs for the halftime show.

Top 5 Ways New York City is Preparing for the 2010 Super Bowl

5) Mayor's office trying to find seats for all the Giants and Jets players... since there's no chance they'll actually be playing in the game

4) Police preparing attractive, yet unimportant, alternate target for terrorists... like Staten Island

3) Hookers meeting to agree on uniform price hikes

2) Broadway producers quickly putting together musical version of "Friday Night Lights"

1) All subway riders being issued protective helmets and cups

Gap Replaces Parker
Teen British singer, Joss Stone will replace Sarah Jessica Parker as the new face of The Gap ad campaign. The company says it wanted to use someone who actually is 17 years old, as opposed to Parker, who only acts likes she's 17 years old.

D.A. Outburst
Los Angeles County District Attorney Steve Cooley says his office had a great case against actor Robert Blake and the jurors who acquitted him are "incredibly stupid." But legal experts say Cooley's fatal mistake was picking jurors who were all from Los Angeles.

Whitney Houston Rehab
Whitney Houston has again checked into a rehabilitation facility. Upon hearing the news, Pat O'Brien immediately propositioned her to join him and a nurse in a threesome.