Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Curious About Me? Here's my picture and profile from The Fake News! Jake's Picture

Bonds Out
Slugger Barry Bonds may miss the entire season with a knee problem, but he's blaming the media for his injury and fatigue. His baseball career may be over, but Bonds does have a promising future as a right-wing radio commentator.

Top 5 Real Reasons Barry Bonds May Miss the Entire Season

5) Lugging all those needles and syringes on the road is a drag

4) Wants to spend more time with his family... and insult them

3) 15 years of using steroids means he needs time to rest... and find a new liver

2) Taking season off to relax will boost sales of the new "Barry Bonds Aromatherapy Massage Parlor" chain

1) Hoping to replace that dude who dropped out of "American Idol"

Schiavo Scotus
Terry Schiavo's parents are now taking their appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court. Experts say their chances of winning are stronger there, not because the high court is more conservative, but because at least five of the justices are also unable to walk or eat on their own.

Schiavo Condition
Religious groups fighting to keep Terry Schiavo alive insist there are many signs that she is not brain-dead. She smiles, laughs, and is doing a lot better in the NCAA Tournament pool than everyone who picked Kansas or UConn.

Schiavo Desperation
The continuing focus on Terry Schiavo's condition is making huge numbers of Americans angry and afraid. But at least the reporters covering the Michael Jackson case will probably feel better when they get the spotlight back next week.

Blake Interview
In an interview with Barbara Walters, Robert Blake refused to speculate about who killed his wife. But he did say he would like "to thank them very much."

Jets Bids
The New York Jets have made a $720 million bid for the land where they want to build a new stadium, but despite the huge cost, their chances are still seen as a long-shot. At least the team's owners finally know what their fans feel like when they buy season tickets.

Top 5 Things the MTA Will Do with the $720 Million Bid from The New York Jets

5) Hire goons to intimidate growing number of unionized subway rats

4) Hire guys from "Extreme Makeover Home Edition" to repair one subway station staircase in 7 days, as opposed to the 6 years it currently takes

3) Hire more lawyers to fight for next round of fare hikes

2) Pay scientists to resurrect long-dead man who was the last one who understood how the subway system works

1) Add employees, improve safety, and boost cleanliness... at the home of every MTA board member

Subway Fire
A subway fire in Brooklyn snarled service for hours yesterday. But luckily no was hurt because several homeless subway riders quickly put out the flames by peeing on them.


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