Newsday Alert!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday


Top 5 Things to Expect in Today's Steroid Hearings on Capitol Hill

5) Commissioner Selig's tearful admission that steroids failed to bulk up his hairpiece

4) Rafael Palmeiro getting excused from hearings in return for handing out free Viagra

3) During difficult moment in the questioning, Curt Schilling will intentionally bean three Congressmen

2) Jose Canseco will help himself to most of the committees' interns

1) Sammy Sosa will be discovered to be using a corked lawyer

Baseball Survey
According to a new survey, 35% of Major League Baseball players believe that records set by players who are suspected of using steroids should be marked with an asterisk. The other 65% actually don't know what an asterisk is.

St. Patrick's Celebrations
This Saint Patrick's Day is also the first day of the NCAA Basketball Tournament. That means that by late afternoon, there will only be about 3 sober men in all of America.

FDNY St. Patrick's Day
Dozens of New York City firefighters are fuming over a new rule banning them from wearing green berets this Saint Patrick's Day. But considering all the sex scandals the FDNY has endured in the past year, the city should just be grateful the firefighters are willing to wear anything at all.

Blake Acquitted
Former actor Robert Blake has been acquitted of killing his wife. Prosecutors blame the verdict on the judge, jury, and the fact that they could never get as much press coverage as the Michael Jackson or Scott Peterson trials.

Blake Acquitted II
Roberts Blake's acquittal is actually not entirely good news for the former actor. At least if he were in jail, he'd have a good excuse for not getting any work in Hollywood.

Schiavo Case in Congress
Now that the Florida Supreme Court has ruled in favor of removing Terry Schiavo's feeding tube, House Republicans are pushing for a bill to block the procedure. For some reason, the Congressmen really identify with a brain-damaged person who doesn't appear to be able do anything.

Jacko's Open for Business
Michael Jackson's spokesmen say the pop star's trial hasn't scared kids away from his Neverland Ranch, and there are thousands of requests from people wanting to take children there. But they do admit most of those requests are coming from parents with lots of credit card debt.

Accuser's Stories
The accuser in the Michael Jackson case says he didn't tell his teachers what Michael Jackson did to him because he feared being ridiculed by his classmates. But his plan backfired, as his classmates instead made fun of him for not being good enough to be molested by Michael Jackson.

Italy Leaving
Italy announced this week that it would begin pulling its 3,000 troops out of Iraq later this year... bad news for all those who hoped the insurgents could be defeated by a series of heated arguments.

Cronkite's Wife
Legendary CBS News Anchorman Walter Cronkite's wife died yesterday. Her death came just days after he told CNN he should have replaced her with Bob Schieffer years ago.

Super Bowl in the City
The NFL could select the proposed West Side stadium for the Jets as the host of the 2010 Super Bowl, but only on the condition that the stadium is ever built. Meanwhile, the Jets could actually play in the Super Bowl one day, but only on the condition that they get a coach who doesn't suck.

Da Vinci Attack
The archbishop of Genoa says no one should read or buy "The Da Vinci Code" because it is full of historical lies... clearly infringing on the Bible's copyright on historical lies.