Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Top 5 Ways Dan Rather Plans to Sign Off on his Last Show Tonight

5) Challenge Peter Jennings to a fist fight

4) Remove pants, moon bloggers

3) Conduct "imaginary interview" with President Bush's now-deceased National Guard commander

2) Shock viewers by boasting that "Cronkite couldn't carry my jock"

1) Say graceful farewell, then chain himself to set

Bankruptcy Laws
Republicans say making it harder to declare bankruptcy from credit card debt will teach everyone in America a lesson about responsibility. But if they really wanted to promote responsibility, they'd stop the banks from sending everyone in America 100 credit card offers every month.

Iran Weapons Intelligence
A new report says American intelligence about Iran's weapons programs is "inadequate to make reasoned judgments"... and that's just the way the White House likes it.

Bill's Heart
President Clinton announced yesterday that he will undergo minor heart surgery later this week. The announcement came just in time for all the cable news networks, who were desperately looking for another unimportant story to replace the Martha Stewart coverage.

Ed's Fall
Ed McMahon was hospitalized last week after falling and suffering a mild concussion. He was apparently close to death, but snapped out of it when he realized that as soon as he dies and goes to Heaven, he's going to have to start kissing Johnny's ass again.

Dog Report
A new report says the average cost of taking care of a dog in England is $38,000... but enough about all the money Britain is spending on Camilla's wedding dress.

Kennedy for Kerry
Senator Ted Kennedy said last week that he would again back John Kerry for President in 2008. But he may have just said that because Kerry was buying him drinks at the time.

Homeland Entertainment
The Department of Homeland Security has hired former actress Bobbie Faye Ferguson to advise Hollywood about movies that portray the nation's homeland defenders. Sadly, her hiring came too late to save much of America from seeing "The Pacifier."

Top 5 Reasons the Hezbollah-Ordered Pro-Syria Rally in Lebanon Had Such a Good Turnout

5) Let's see, go to a protest or blow yourself up... not a difficult choice

4) Only movie playing in Beirut is "The Pacifier"

3) It's not everyday Arabs get to bash the United States... oh, wait yes it is

2) Free iPods!

1) Hezbollah hacked Paris Hilton's cell phone and just called all the men she's slept with this year

New Amazing Race
A new family edition of "The Amazing Race" will allow children as young as 8 years old to compete. On the first episode, each family will face the challenge of racing out of the Neverland Ranch before the kids find their way into the bedroom.

New Drug
Studies show the new drug Atorvastatin is showing promising results to the doctors who one day hope to win the fight against cholesterol... but it shows even more promising results for the lawyers who one day hope to sue the makers of Atorvastatin.


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