Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Bolton Nominated
Critics say President Bush's decision to nominate tough-talking Undersecretary of State John R. Bolton as U.S. ambassador to the UN is a spit in the face to Europe. But President Bush says if he really wanted to anger the Europeans, he would have nominated Michael Bolton.

Mistaken Shooting Coverage
Most of the American news media is vowing to investigate the shooting of the just-freed Italian journalist in Iraq... except for FOX News, which is just bragging about how great it is that U.S. soldiers can hit a fast-moving target from so far away.

Pope's Easter Schedule
The ailing Pope will lead an Easter Sunday blessing at the Vatican, but he is delegating most of his Holy Week duties to others. Cardinal Camillo Ruini will preside over the Palm Sunday services, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger will lead the Easter vigil, and this year the traditional gay-bashing will be conducted by Rush Limbaugh.

No Minimum Wage Hike
The GOP-controlled Senate has voted down a Democratic proposal to raise the minimum wage for the first time since 1996. Republicans say it would be hypocritical to improve wages for lower class Americans while they're working so hard to eliminate Social Security benefits for middle class Americans.

No Minimum Wage Hike II
Many American business owners are breathing a sigh of relief now that the Senate has blocked a Democratic proposal to raise the minimum wage to $7.35 an hour. But the Republicans insist they're not cold-hearted; in fact they're now offering a counter-proposal that would force most employers to raise wages for their illegal immigrant workers to $7.35 a week!

No Minimum Wage Hike III
The Republicans insist raising the minimum wage would discourage employers from hiring new workers. So, in another attempt at helping businesses overcome annoying government regulations, the GOP is now looking to eliminate the existing laws against child labor and slavery.

Top 5 Ways to Supplement Your Minimum Wage Income

5) Call the White House and tell them you're an aspiring right wing radio host

4) After you get off work at McDonald's, auction "secret sauce" recipe to highest bidder

3) Spend a weekend at the Neverland Ranch

2) Get menial job at local pharmacy, then sell stolen flu vaccine to desperate elderly people

1) Just give up and join the military... (so THAT's how the White House is going to boost recruitment)!

Tut's Cause of Death
Archaeologists have completed their CT scan of King Tut's mummy and concluded that he probably died of an infection that wasn't treated in time. That's because in ancient times it took even longer to transport those cheaper prescription drugs from Canada.

Bush Speech
During a speech on the War on Terror today, President Bush told the crowd that "history is changing quickly," which is good for him since he never bothered to learn any of the old history in the first place.


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