Thursday, March 03, 2005

Leno Gag Order
Jay Leno is asking the judge in the Michael Jackson case to tell him if a gag order stops him from telling jokes about the case on his show. But the only thing really stopping Leno from making jokes about the case is the fact that he's no longer funny.

Top 10 REAL Changes at CNN (with apologies to Dave Letterman, who did this topic Tuesday night, but it's not as good as this)

10) Bowing to ridiculous new "storytelling" directive, Chad Myers is ditching daily forecast for reports on "where weather comes from"

9) Jack Cafferty now allowed to punch out Bill and Soledad every time they say something stupid

8) Aaron Brown now 13% less condescending!

7) Bob Novak and Paul Begala now conclude each edition of "Crossfire" with a nice big hug

6) Paula Zahn's breast cancer special now airs four times a day instead of three

5) Rick Sanchez leaving to take over Will Ferrell's role in "Anchorman 2"

4) Lou Dobbs now forces his staff to patrol the Mexican border on weekends

3) "Headline News" now has absolutely no headlines and no news

2) Anderson Cooper to feature new hair color every week!

1) Larry King producers now looking to get some viewers under 90

Fossett Crisis Management
After a "fuel supply scare," millionaire Steve Fossett is expected to complete his around-the-world solo flight later today. Experts say Fossett made the right decision to use tail winds to overcome the fuel problem, instead of taking the Bush administration's advice to invade Iraq.

Fossett's Records
Steve Fossett was also the first man to circumnavigate the globe in a hot air balloon. Either he's the gutsiest adventurer around, or he just has the world's largest bladder.

Martha's Release
Even though she's not scheduled to be released from prison until Sunday, Martha Stewart will probably get out of jail tomorrow. Prison officials say the other inmates have all suffered enough.

House Arrest
Martha Stewart will still have to serve another 5 months of house arrest at her estate in upstate New York. Martha will actually need all that time alone to safely count the extra money she's made since she went to prison.

House Arrest II
While not being able to go on trips or even visit her offices, Martha Stewart will still be able to do the things she enjoys most during her house arrest. That includes cooking, gardening, and yelling at people over the phone.

BTK Fired
The Wichita City Council fired the accused "BTK killer" Dennis Rader from his city job today, citing his "failure to show up for work or call in sick" since his arrest. The rest of the nation's serial killers are taking this as a warning to do all their murdering on their own time.

BTK Church
The accused BTK killer's church is not throwing Dennis Rader out or relieving him of his leadership position. The church's pastor says while there's clear evidence Rader tortured and killed several people, he still hasn't done anything really terrible, like support gay marriage.

The Boston firm offering to buy all of the NHL's 30 teams for $3.5 billion says it's making the bid to "protect the interests of its other investors." Apparently. those other investors are dentists and barbers who specialize in the "mullet."


Post a Comment

<< Home