Wednesday, March 02, 2005

10 Commandments Case
The U.S. Supreme Court is hearing arguments today on whether it's legal to display the 10 Commandments in government buildings. But the court's decision to take the case represents a conflict of interest because most of the justices were there when the 10 Commandments were first given.

Top 5 Reasons Not to Display the 10 Commandments in Government Buildings

5) Most politicians don't actually know what "thou" means anyway

4) Commandment against perjury doesn't say anything about taking the 5th

3) Somebody might bring up that annoying "Thou Shalt Not Murder" commandment every time they vote for a war

2) Politicians won't follow the commandment against adultery unless it specifically mentions interns

1) Displaying "Thou Shalt Not Steal" in a government building? Talk about a waste of time!

Syria's Pledge
Syria is promising to withdraw its troops from Lebanon as soon as it figures out what to do with those 30,000 soldiers currently manning the occupation. Usually when Syria needs to reduce the size of its armed forces in a hurry, it just declares war on Israel.

Martha's Underlings
Two top officers at Martha Stewart Living have resigned just as Martha is about to be released from prison. Of course, the highly-paid executives can afford to quit; the rest of Martha's employees can only prepare for her return by stocking up on helmets and anti-depressants.

Martha's Money
In the 5 months since Martha Stewart went to jail, her company's stock price has almost tripled. That may not seem logical, but just think how much the U.S. economy would improve if we put President Bush in prison!

Big Tax Cheat
Aeronautics entrepreneur Walter Anderson has been charged with cheating his way out of paying a record $200 million in personal income taxes. Experts say Anderson will definitely get prison time, fines, and the Republican party's nomination for President in 2008.

Halliburton Probe
The Justice Department is looking into whether Halliburton executives rigged bids for construction projects by conspiring with other companies. And by "other companies" they mean the White House, the Pentagon, and the Vice President's office.

Chaney Controversy
Critics are demanding that Temple University basketball coach John Chaney resign after he admitted to sending a player into a game just to break an opponent's arm. Chaney may be finished in college basketball, but he has a future as a prison commander in Iraq.


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