Friday, March 04, 2005

Martha's Movements
Martha Stewart is being issued an ankle bracelet so authorities can track her during her house arrest. But if they really want to keep tabs on her every more, they can just watch CNN.

Martha's Lessons
Martha Stewart says her time in prison taught her some "life-altering lessons." And by that she means she's learned several new ways to abuse her employees and family.

Pentagon Reaction
The Pentagon is reportedly eyeing the Martha Stewart situation very carefully. With the news media squarely focused on her every movement; this would probably be a good time to abuse some prisoners in Iraq & Guantanamo.

Top 5 Reasons the Media is So Obsessed with Covering Martha Stewart

5) So far, even the dumbest anchormen can all pronounce her name correctly

4) It's not like there's a war on or anything... is there?

3) The fact that one rich White woman went to a cushy jail for 5 months proves our justice system truly is color blind

2) It's either cover easy stories like this, or figure out that whole Social Security thing

1) If we pay close enough attention, we may get some hot stock tips!

Social Security Fight
Despite his weak poll numbers on the issue, President Bush is vowing to keep fighting to fix Social Security. But experts say he probably won't have any success until he can find a way blame the problem on gay marriage.

New EPA Chief
President Bush has named Stephen Johnson to head the EPA, making him the first professional scientist to head the agency. Actually, the most surprising thing about Johnson getting to run the EPA is not the fact that he's a professional scientist, it's the fact that he's not a professional criminal.

Jobs Report
The U.S. economy added an impressive 262,000 jobs in February. But it's only because most of the nation's gas stations now need more help adjusting the prices higher on their signs.


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