Top 5 Things Martha Stewart Will Do at Work Today

5) Set just the right tone by beating new CEO Susan Lyne to a bloody pulp in the boardroom

4) Fire the PR staff; the news media is giving her all the free publicity she needs!

3) Show off her new knitted ankle bracelet cozy

2) Introduce new "Orange Jumpsuit Casual Wear" line to Kmart

1) Launch plan to boost company stock price... by committing three more felonies

Boeing Guy Fired
The CEO of Boeing has been ousted for having an affair with another Boeing employee. Apparently in the airline industry, it's only okay to screw your customers.

BTK Killer Upset
Accused BTK killer Dennis Rader is reportedly suffering from depression. He's upset that after going to the trouble of killing all those people, all his publicity is getting stolen by Michael Jackson and Martha Stewart.

Mistaken Shooting
The attack on the Italian journalist's car in Iraq is highlighting some long-held cultural differences between the U.S. and Italy. For example, the U.S. army says the car was speeding, while Italian drivers don't actually consider going 100 miles per hour speeding.

Top 5 Other Shows Showtime Will Air After "Fat Actress"

5) "Horny Congressman"

4) "Anorexic Actress,"... (oh wait, that show is already being done on every other network)!

3) "House-Arrested Celebrity"

2) "Paid-Off Radio Commentator"

1) "Dumb President"


Hagel's Plan
Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel wants to boost the age when retirees can get Social Security benefits from 65 to 71, saying people are living and working longer. But actually, the only people over 71 in America with a decent job are members of the U.S. Senate.

Cablevision Dispute
Cablevision may pull Mets and Knicks games off the air for hundreds of thousands of its customers. After blocking the city's Olympic bid and standing in the way of a new West Side stadium, it's obvious Cablevision is finally trying to do something nice for New York.