Thursday, March 10, 2005

Steroid Subpoena
Members of Congress investigating the baseball steroid scandal say they've had to subpoena the athletes because they've been waiting too long for the star players to respond to their requests for action. Well, now they know what it's like to be a Mets fan.

Top 5 Reasons Congress is Forcing Baseball Stars to Testify at Steroid Hearings

5) Maybe if they focus on how easy it is to get steroids, people will forget how hard it is to get prescription drugs

4) Hey, it's no dumber than banning gay marriage

3) The House committee needs a few ringers for the spring softball league

2) All their top campaign donors want the Congressmen to get them Sammy Sosa's autograph

1) Talking to a bunch of overpaid idiots makes them feel at home

Next on the Agenda
After Congress finishes looking into Major League Baseball's alleged condoning of steroid use, Capitol Hill insiders say they're planning to investigate NASCAR for allowing speeding.

Jacko Accuser
Michael Jackson's teenage accuser says the pop star led him to engage in underage drinking, and then coached him on how to talk to TV interviewers. Hey, isn't that how George Bush got started?

Harvard Hackers
Harvard Business School is rejecting 119 applicants who hacked into a website to learn whether they were accepted. Harvard barred those applicants from coming to the business school because by hacking a restricted web site and breaking confidentiality rules, it's clear they already know how to succeed in business.

Tsunami Change
President Bush says the U.S. response to last year's tsunami in Asia has changed opinions about America in parts of the Muslim world. Right... now they know that we don't really hate them, we just don't care about them.

Homeless Count
Over 2000 volunteers in New York hit the streets this week to help count the homeless. It's a tough job because the city is full of people who just look homeless, like Michael Moore and Liza Minnelli.

Toys R Us Bids
An investment firm is offering $5 billion to buy Toys R Us from its current owners. It would have offered more, but none of the batteries were included.

Infrastructure Report
A new report by the American Society of Civil Engineers gives that country's infrastructure an overall grade of D. We would have gotten an F, but thankfully they gave us partial credit for all the bridges that were only half-collapsed.


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