Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Iraq Assembly Convenes
Iraq's new democratic national assembly convened for the first time today. Following American tradition, the representatives immediately voted themselves a pay raise.

Ebbers Effect
With the conviction of Bernie Ebbers, CEO's are being scrutinized more than ever. That means that the only place a person can get away with breaking the law and losing billions of dollars is the White House.

Homeland Security Warning
The Department of Homeland Security says a major terrorism disaster is most likely to occur at a sporting event... which means the only people really prepared are Mets fans.

Top 5 Ways Terrorists Plan to Attack a U.S. Sporting Event

5) Send 50 drunk Red Sox fans to the Yankee Stadium bleachers every night

4) Put 50% more salmonella than there already is in every Dodger Dog

3) Get MTV to produce another Super Bowl halftime show

2) Remove all alcoholic beverages from parking lot at University of Tennessee football games

1) Destroy American economic productivity by orchestrating elaborate betting pools on college basketball tournament... oh wait, we have that already!

Wolfowitz World Bank
President Bush has named the Pentagon's war architect, Paul Wolfowitz, to lead the World Bank. Bush says there's no better person to rebuild the world's poorest countries than a guy who helped destroy them in the first place.

Baywatch Protest
Former Baywatch actress Alexandra Paul was arrested at the GM plant in California after leading a protest against the company. Fellow cast member Pam Anderson was also at the GM plant that day, but only to have her airbags checked.

Hughes New Job
President Bush has named his close advisor, Karen Hughes, to help improve America's relations with the Arab world. It's an excellent choice, because everyone knows how much Arabs like and respect women in power.

White House Videos
The Justice Department has ruled that the Bush White House's long-standing practice of sending ready-made video news packages to TV stations across the country is appropriate, as long as they present factual content about government programs. So from now on, the White House is going to have to start producing videos with factual content about government programs.

Top 5 Reasons Harvard President Larry Summers Lost the Faculty No-Confidence Vote

5) Wouldn't join faculty in this year's prank toilet-papering of the Yale campus

4) Lonely professors blame him for not admitting enough "hot freshmen chicks" this year

3) Only wears tweed twice a week

2) Since he took over, Middle East Studies professors getting 34% less Saudi money to bash America & Israel

1) He's not quite full of himself enough to lead Harvard

Johns on Display
Men in Oakland, California, who are caught soliciting prostitutes, will have their pictures placed on bill boards and bus shelters. Usually, you only see pictures of men who solicit prostitutes on election posters.

New Robot
Hitachi has introduced the "Emiew," which they claim is the world's quickest moving robot. Actually, the world's quickest moving robot is Laura Bush whenever she flies on Air Force One.

Billy's Boozing
Billy Joel's publicist has announced that "following a recent bout of severe gastro-intestinal distress, Billy has checked himself into a rehabilitation facility for alcohol abuse." Let's hope Joel realizes he just paid his publicist big money to tell the world that he got drunk and threw up.


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