Monday, March 14, 2005

Gooden Arrested
Former Major League pitching great and current Yankees spring training coach Dwight Gooden was arrested for punching his ex-wife in the face Sunday morning. Finally, a major league baseball player who's doing something to take our minds off the steroid scandal!

Top 5 Changes You'll See in Major League Baseball this Year

5) Yankee Stadium will host Bat Day, Hat Day, and Syringe Day

4) Before running the bases, home run hitters will be required to sign affidavit promising they're steroid-free

3) Several games will be called due to rain, lightning, and Congressional subpoena

2) Instead of paying for his autograph, Barry Bonds will give your family a free set of insults before every game!

1) The Mets will still suck... but now they'll be sucking steroid-free!

New Work Week Begins
Millions of American executives returned to their offices this morning, and started the business of making the tough, big-money decisions... and after they finish filling out their NCAA Basketball tournament brackets, they'll probably get to work.

New Disney Chief
Newly-selected Disney CEO Robert Iger says protecting the company's assets will be his top priority when he takes over in September. That means his first job will be to bar Michael Jackson from visiting DisneyWorld.

Top 5 Reasons Robert Iger was Named New Disney CEO

5) Offered to wash Michael Eisner's car three times more often than all of the competing candidates

4) Only Disney exec who's actually bothered to visit crappy "California Adventure" theme park

3) Offered to hook up board members with all the hot chicks from "Desperate Housewives"

2) Once rode "Escape from Witch Mountain" 11 straight times without barfing

1) Threatened to publish nude drawings of Mickey, Minnie & Goofy if he didn't get the job

Daschle's New Job
Former South Dakota Senator Tom Daschle has joined a Washington, D.C. law firm, where he will work as a public policy advisor. Daschle says he wants to offer his expertise, learn from seasoned attorneys, and do whatever he can to avoid having to go back to South Dakota.


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