Jacko Delay
Michael Jackson was an hour and 40 minutes late to court yesterday. Jackson apologized to the judge and promised that the next time he's late, he'll send R. Kelly as his opening act.

Top 5 Things Overheard as Michael Jackson was Rushing to Get to Court in Time

5) "I knew we shouldn't have let Bubbles drive"

4) "I guess we don't have time to eat at Chuck E. Cheese's"

3) "Uh oh, I left my spare nose at home"

2) "Just keep circling the block until I finish reading this issue of Barely Legal"

1) "Follow that school bus!"

Ikea Instructions
Responding to accusations of sexism, Ikea says its instruction manuals depict only men so as not to offend Muslims who may be angered by pictures of women doing manual labor. Luckily, the company says it continues to have no trouble making instructions that are completely impossible to follow for people of all sexes, races, and religions.

Doublemint Twins
Wrigley is bringing back the 1960s-era Doublemint Twins in its TV Ads. The gum maker says the advertising icon will remind Americans of a more innocent time, which will last until pictures of the twins having sex with each other inevitably surface on the internet.

Super Bowl Scalp
Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Tice has admitted to scalping some of the 12 tickets to the Super Bowl given to him by the NFL. Tice is expected to be punished severely by the league, which could even force him to continue coaching the Minnesota Vikings.

NYPD Mobsters
Two retired NYPD cops are accused of also working as hit men for the mafia while they were on the force, earning up to $4,000 a month on the mob payroll... although in New York, that's only about $2,000 after taxes.

Election Truce
Two Democratic candidates for Mayor of New York have agreed not to attack each other during the primary campaign, which is only slightly less shocking than their promise not to make fun of Staten Island.