Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Ebbers Guilty
Former WorldCom CEO Bernie Ebbers has been found guilty of engineering $11 billion worth of accounting fraud. He could get up to 85 years in prison, millions in fines, and several offers to host a reality show when he gets out.

Beirut Demonstration
Police estimate that a quarter of Lebanon's entire population turned out to an anti-Syrian demonstration in Beirut yesterday. The only way to get a quarter of the U.S. population to show up for anything is to have a casting call for "American Idol."

Top 5 Real Reasons Mario Vasquez Quit American Idol

5) Realized all his fame would vanish as soon as the media gets more pictures of Martha Stewart petting her horses

4) Refused to go on until Simon Cowell put an undershirt under that see-through sweater

3) Competition is forcing him to miss too much of the Michael Jackson trial

2) He's already slept with Paula Abdul anyway

1) Worried he'll fail random American Idol steroid tests

Oral Risk
A new study says tongue piercings and lip rings can seriously increase your risk of infections, and tooth loss... but not as much as dating someone with tongue piercings and lip rings.

Vin's New Movie
Vin Diesel says the dialogue in his upcoming movie "Hannibal the Conqueror" will be entirely in the ancient languages of Aramaic, Iberian, and Carthaginian. Which means in this movie, Vin Diesel will actually be slightly easier to understand than usual.

New Peter Pan
Geraldine McCaughrean will write "Captain Pan," the first authorized sequel to J.M. Barrie's classic "Peter Pan." The story will feature Peter Pan's realization that it really is better to grow up, especially if you're a boy at the Neverland Ranch.

Madonna's Kabbalah Advice

A source says Madonna has been coached by her Kabbalah advisers that now would be a good time to get back into acting. And that same source says that everyone else in the Kabbalah movement has been advised to avoid going to the theater from now on.

Condi Back to School

Condoleezza Rice says she wants to return to academia in 2008. She plans to go from the White House to an expensive University, where she'll trade tutoring one rich dumb kid for tutoring a bunch of rich dumb kids.

New Jersey Nice
A new resolution is under consideration in New Jersey that would encourage residents to join "a campaign toward civility, kindness and respect to all." Everyone who doesn't join is being invited to "screw off!"

Italian Parole
An Italian prison has launched a rehabilitation program in which inmates make and sell their own wine. Apparently, Italians like their ex-cons drunk and snobby.


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