Schiavo Bush
President Bush says he signed the bill sending Terry Schiavo's case to the federal courts, because he wanted "to preserve life." He also says he wants to get back to more important matters, like preserving the death penalty.

Top 5 Reasons Congress Might Already Regret Intervening in the Terry Schiavo Case

5) Schiavo has regained consciousness... and declared she's a lesbian

4) Great, now all Americans think they have the right to food and water!

3) They've saved her life, but now they have to cut her Social Security benefits

2) Religious voters may start thinking they can get anything they want... like gas for less than $3 a gallon

1) Now they all have to go to church on Sunday instead of "visiting" their interns

Sign Language Town
Several families in Salem, South Dakota are trying to make it a town for deaf people only, with sign language as its official language. Of course, there already is a town for the deaf-only... it's called Washington, D.C.

Top 5 Real Ways State Lotteries Help Public School Kids

5) New scratch-off game: Find three cherries... get an "A" in history!

4) Buying Lotto tickets gives high school grads a 1-in-218,000,000 chance to afford college!

3) The more money the students spend on lottery tickets, the less they have for cigarettes!

2) Blowing all their allowance on hopeless lottery games helps elementary school prepare for a lifetime of being ripped off by the government

1) Playing Lotto regularly helps train them for inevitable job at 7-11

DeLorean Dead
Car designer John DeLorean died this weekend at the age of 80. As a man who once tried to sell cocaine to finance his business, DeLorean will be remembered as the most ethical auto executive in American history.

NYPD Overtime
New York City Police officers racked up a record $160 million in overtime payments last year. With all that extra work, it's going to be hard for most cops to get second jobs as hit men for the mob.